I’ve learned very, very many things today. About three of the most amiable men of my acquaintance, about myself, about… oh, about a whole bunch of people.
Am very behind on schoolwork, which is not unusual for me. I lost 3 days due to illness. Have 2 French assignments overdue, another one with a due date of tomorrow, yet a third with a due date on Tuesday. Also have two papers to start – one due on March 7th, and one due the first week of April. Have 5 midterms to study for, and… oh, all sorts of stuff. Had a paper due tonight for a history class which I didn’t even start (is only a 3-pager) and I haven’t practiced piano in like a week and… yeah, whatever.
No, really. Whatever. I’m not going to get stressed out about it. I’m not going to have other people manage my anxiety or take the blame for “distracting” me. Why?
The answer is simple: I’ve done what I wanted to do. I’ve done what’s benefited me. The school shit is… lower priority, and I’ll do it in my own good time. I knew up front what the consequences would be for not turning shit in, and… those consequences are worth it, and I’m taking them.
It’s weird. I have this anxiety that says that others might think I’m trying to rationalize or justify or explain. Yet I don’t feel the need to do any of those things. I don’t know even why I say this, except… not so long ago, there would have been lists of MUST DOs in my head, and I would have gotten completely stressed about not finishing them. Not turning them in on time. Not turning them in perfectly. I don’t feel that now. There are not a million screaming things vying for my attention. No MUST DOs. Except the usual one, which is to do what pleases me – long term.
I’ve done what’s pleased me.
Oh, and just by way of mentioning this, I haven’t enough money in the bank right now to pay my rent on Saturday. That is, tomorrow. Notice I said I haven’t the money “right now.” Before, that would have freaked me out too. But no. I’m alright. Actually, well and truly, at heart’s core… alright.
So, I’ve gotten here. To “alright” I mean. Not in the sense of being insensible to danger – which was my “alright” before – but in the sense of having scope and choice and ability to choose and face consequences. So I’ve gotten here. Now let’s work on being joyous.
Professor Jones just sent out an announcement of the paper topics for the first paper. Included in the instructions is the following gem:
Please state your thesis unless you are, in fact, Michel de Montaigne.
He should have no problem with the fact that I never state my theses (not even one, never mind 95 of them) in papers that I write. Because I am, in fact, Michel de Montaigne.
Also, please to looking at this video:
Have been procrastinating. Got one thing done today – cleaned my room. Just need to finish sweeping. Am procrastinating like hell on the programming projects which are due Wednesday. The one good thing about this course is that I am finding that my interests are NOT in software. Bleh.
Went to the Students for Liberty Conference today as the representative for the Mises Institute. Oh, the irony is so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. The catholic statists sending the atheist anarchist out as a representative. Hah! But I didn’t hate it, and I’m getting a free plane ticket and ground transportation to Mises University out of it. Mises U will now be totally free to me, as they’ve given me a full scholarship to attend the actual classes. Woo and/or yay.
Am just using this as a means of procrastination. I’m going to finish cleaning the other room tonight instead of tomorrow, and also do my logic homework, and then devote all tomorrow to getting these damned programs coded and at least somewhat working. The hw is set up so that you can get at least a semi-decent grade as long as your code is coherent and the program compiles. It doesn’t necessarily need to give the right output. Need to have 1 program out of 2 completely ready to go by tomorrow night.
Well… technically I don’t NEED to do anything. But if I want to make Dean’s List again this semester, it is optimal that I turn these things in. Everything is for that Rhodes Scholarship. Keep your eyes on the Oxford… keep your eyes on the Oxford…
Am worried about one of my friends, who is walking into a lion’s den tonight, I think. He needs to do it – not in the determinist sense, no – but… ugh. I… know he’ll be alright, but… I wonder what will happen?
…that the German word for “child abuse” is Kindesmisshandlung?
Child mishandling?
WTF, mate?
Ok, now am really going to bed.
So… have been fooling around with my camera. Have had it for a good long time, but only got mother to bring it to me at Xmas. And, of course, have only just bought batteries for it. As a result, I’ve been taking a bunch of very bad (and some halfway decent) pics in order to figure out how to use it. Apparently my self-portrait was taken with some wrong depth of focus or something (C, can you tell me what I was doing wrong again? I remember how to fix – just not what my error is called.), and hence my face looks as though I weigh 300 lbs or something. Have made private the pics which show this error most profoundly. But hey, for the first time in 4 years, there is a recent pic of me on teh internets. I’ll have men lining up around the block in no time. Heh.
There was going to be more to this post, but am v tired. G’night folks.
Filed under: history, vie quotidienne | Tags: life story, philosophizing, pictures
The light is beautiful here today. Have taken a number of pictures which I shall upload later. There are even a couple pics of me. How scary!!
Have been speaking with a friend of mine regarding certain past experiences. He’s right when he says that I should rewrite both my written account and my mental perception of one relationship in particular. I’ve begun to do that a little, in the quieter moments since then. It’s going to take much, much longer than 18 hours, though. I’ve heard something like it takes half the time that one was in a relationship to process and get it over with. Well… it’s been longer than that. Slightly. Yanno. But I wonder if it takes longer as I was so much younger. Sort of… like a formative relationship. That might be so.
Going to buy some Alice Miller books tonight. Also some pants. I think I’m about ready to step down to the next lower size in pants. (I’m still embarrassed as to what size that is, even though my loyal readers are all men and wouldn’t know what the hell that size meant anyway.)
Need to bugger off now… but more’s to come later.
Spent 45 minutes on the phone with a… I suppose I can now call him a friend in a way I couldn’t before. Talked about an issue which… hurt. A lot. So must go think now. What I thought I’d found in thinking earlier – the solution I thought I’d found – may no longer be valid. Whether to continue my former post and see what comes of it is… one of the things I have to think about. Besides, who wants to read the well-trodden histoires de mes amours?
I should mention that my first love got married on Valentine’s Day to a woman who is mentally about the age I was when I first encountered him. Their wedding pictures show them both to be very happy. That’s justice, I suppose, and god knows I wish him well. I could move on. He couldn’t. But how far on have I really gotten?
