Filed under: voice blog | Tags: deFOO, life story, music, self-work, vie quotidienne, voice blog, youtube
This is ostensibly about Rebecca’s call, but I also share another short memory and some musings on feeling my feelings and the consequences thereof.
Oh, and as long as we’re doing media… (more…)
Charlotte’s Cinema On The Web presents… Holiday! (Or at least the parts of it that I can find.) Now y’all have no excuses. :D
Part the First: (the rest of them are behind the cut)
It’s rainy and kinda nasty, but I don’t particularly care. Am feeling pretty good this morning. Or… good, translated from the Swiss.
Am planning on getting my backlog of skipped schoolwork partially cleared this morning by working on two French compositions that I’ve not revised. It’s free extra credit, so I may as well take it. Actually did and turned in my logic homework this morning (first time in 3 weeks) and… yeah, my paper on Elisabeth Vigee-Lebrun (NOT a painter of my favorite era, nor yet my favorite painter) is beginning to look more appealing to research and write. I’m not going to push myself, though. This feeling – I have to use the French word puissance since I don’t know an English equivalent that captures the feeling I want to express – is still… young. Tender. Like a baby bird, it can’t fly long distances just yet. But as it exercises within the limits of its strength, it grows in power and speed, and will be able to fly longer and longer. In the beginning though, it needs to be nursed along and well-fed.
Am going to print out a bunch of pages of Just Poor, and I have a little 5 minute presentation to do for French. Then I might play the piano. That’s all for today. Classes, composition revisions (that’s more just typing than anything else), a 5-minute presentation on a movie, some piano, and… yeah. A nice pleasant little day. Will go to the gym and read Just Poor while exercising, and then go home, make a lovely dinner, and there it is. Do some journaling, talk to friends online, try again to feel, and then bed. A nice pleasant little day.
Off to go and do that now. Hope y’all are enjoying your day too, wherever you are and whatever might be on your plate.
Filed under: self-work, voice blog | Tags: deFOO, FOO, life story, self-work, vie quotidienne, voice blog
Actually, this is a happy post. Three FOO contacts today, which I discuss. Also, a movie recommendation, some memories, a few curious things… and a big thank you and shout-out to everyone who has been so wonderful this weekend. Enjoy!
I had a long (well, short for us) and… hopefully productive conversation with a friend. It’s actually an unusual feeling. Nothing felt forced. It wasn’t like I had to make a point… or indeed make either of us do anything. It feels like something has come out of abeyance. Like my life has come out of abeyance (this wasn’t related to him specifically… but a general feeling of building towards a conclusion that I’ve felt since the fall) and I can do something now. Can live my life now. Can work on what I need to work on now.
I feel… light. And hopeful. And benevolent. And… closure, almost. Like… “Alright, let’s move on. Let’s work on this. Go forward, and get to the doing of it.” Like a chapter of my life is… not quite closed, but closing. And like I can see the work necessary and do the work necessary to close it. The road ahead is rocky… but somehow that doesn’t matter so much now. I see the rocks and traps and pitfalls…
But it didn’t need to be that complicated. It isn’t that complicated. I won’t have it be that complicated.
I am 22 years old today.
Stef already gave me my birthday present, though he does not know it’s my birthday. Later on I will give myself my own birthday present… a little down-payment on some anguish owing to me. I’ve kept it back since childhood, very carefully not feeling it. To save it up, just for today.
I dreamt last night of a wedding day and of three little children – all of whom looked pretty much like me when I was 4 – pulling tiered cakestands full of beautiful little tarts onto the floor. They were hanging onto the tablecloth and laughing as the cakes crashed down. And they were laughing still when an excitable old biddy sailed over to chastise them. Laugh, sweet girls. Who needs cake when they’re asleep anyway. ;)
THAT is no country for old men. The young
In one another’s arms, birds in the trees
- Those dying generations – at their song,
The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas,
Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long
Whatever is begotten, born, and dies.
Caught in that sensual music all neglect
Monuments of unageing intellect.
An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress,
Nor is there singing school but studying
Monuments of its own magnificence;
And therefore I have sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium.
O sages standing in God’s holy fire
As in the gold mosaic of a wall,
Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre,
And be the singing-masters of my soul.
Consume my heart away; sick with desire
And fastened to a dying animal
It knows not what it is; and gather me
Into the artifice of eternity.
Once out of nature I shall never take
My bodily form from any natural thing,
But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make
Of hammered gold and gold enamelling
To keep a drowsy Emperor awake;
Or set upon a golden bough to sing
To lords and ladies of Byzantium
Of what is past, or passing, or to come.
I’m so close. Have almost gotten it. Probably a recording later tonight. I need to think more first. But I wanted to share my excitement… and there’s no one here but us chickens, so I figured I’d tell teh internetz.
I realized long ago that the seeds of destruction in all my relationships were sown within the first couple of meetings. This one, I’m not sure. It came later. But oh man, now do I see what happened in my other relationships.
I see also that the model of marriage I had when I was a kid – my grandparents – is exactly what I’m playing out now. And have done in Every. Single. Goddamned. Relationship. I’ve. Ever. Had.
My god. Ok, back to journaling. More later.
There is a certain site that I keep checking for news. Just now, I’ve gotten it. I’ve been… procrastinating again. On doing that work. On taking up – or is it letting go of – these heavy burdens. There is one burden, though, that I cannot carry. And another that I cannot make someone else carry for me. When we’ve both put those down… then perhaps we can be what we should have been, in every sense of those words.
Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I should eat something, but I cannot make myself do it. I should write or record more, but I cannot make myself do it. I should reflect, but I cannot make myself do it. I cannot make myself do anything, and I cannot make myself do nothing.
What if I don’t try to “make” myself?
A movie line keeps flitting through my head. “It can’t be that simple. I won’t have it be that simple.“
But… what if I change that? It cannot be this complicated. I won’t have it be this complicated.
I told you art was a mirror.
More Cadfael clips, then maybe dinner, and then at last perhaps I’ll sit down to work.
Last week at this time there was music, and I felt joy.
Feeling a bit lonely this afternoon. That means, of course, that despite 3 hours of audio, 4 pages of prose, 1 self-conversation and 3 or 4 other solid hours of thought since… there’s still something I’m denying. Back to journaling work, then. The fact that I’m even posting this means there’s yet more to go. Alas.
