Stef posted this. This is… what I’ve been feeling recently.
Had a breakthrough yesterday. No, two. First, all-consuming anger. Bright, hard, all-consuming anger. And then, late at night… sadness. And I cried. Actual weeping… of the sort which hasn’t really occurred for me in… years. I think the last time I was that desolate was when I was 16. Or, no. Times more recently – and I remember one morning in particular, crying in someone’s presence… I was desolate. But… I didn’t know the reason at the time. Last night of all, I knew. Oh man, last night of all I knew.
I am feeling my feelings. Can feel my feelings. And… that’s a breakthrough. I’m not a stoic. Am not a cynic. Not Marcus Aurelius or Diogenes. I won’t live as a statue or a dog.
But… I’m not going to talk in further detail. Since… I’m not fundamentally writing for y’all, much as I would like your good opinion. Processing for you guys isn’t processing – it’s vanity. And that’s one thing I need less of in my current life.
So, I need to learn how to upload videos in hi def so that… uh… so that you can actually SEE the paintings!!
But anyway, since I promised, here is version 0.1 of my Raphael lecture.
I’m choreographing a dance for this in my head. Unfortunately, what I have in mind is too difficult for me. Too many jumps. Alas. But anyway, here’s the song:
Wow. You know… I always read exactly what I need to in Crazy Talk. It’s like… I have the same realization path that Stef had 9 years ago. Not necessarily the same experiences, but the same realization path. It’s perfect.
This morning I had a dual daydream – I won’t speak of it in great detail, but basically it was a hypothetical future situation for me and a friend, and then the situation was reversed and the proverbial shoe was on the other proverbial foot, so to speak. And I had a couple of realizations about that… but there was an element missing. I knew that there was something else going on in the daydream – some other lesson – and that it had to do with the way I reacted (to run upstairs and weep, in the first part of the daydream, and manipulate – or… realize that I wanted to manipulate someone, is more the way it happened – in the second part).
Then I read CT, where Stef is talking about a burgeoning relationship with someone, and how that makes him feel, and what that’s like. And I had the daydream again – which stopped me in my tracks. I was on a subway platform and missed my train because I needed to write the dialogue down.
This time in the daydream… I didn’t weep. I was happy. And I didn’t run away. I just left calmly, and the rest of the characters (all but one, and Stef-in-my-mind explained it to him… for my benefit I guess – I think that this person is actually a reflection of me: a watcher) knew what that meant. And they were all happy and impressed. And that was that. With a couple of reservations, I think dumbshow-Stef might be Justice. I’m not sure yet. I don’t want to ask yet. I know he’ll show/tell me.
But I’m feeling great. I have a little tension just in one shoulder, so there’s probably a little lingering something, but I’m going to make dinner (salmon, greenbeans, maybe some noodles with dill) and have a think about it.
Good day today. Good day. I’m happy. If any of you are around tonight and want to shoot the breeze, I’m here. :)
EDIT: Note to self – if the realization I made was true (and it is)… does that mean that this person is either not a reflection of me, or will cease being a reflection of me in my mind? Or is it like that Dorothy Dunnett quote: “In meeting her you have met a part of me, or part of the core of me that does not seem to alter…” – That’s an odd little thought. Something to think about – paper-journal about.
Weird dream. I go out to dinner with mother in a city that is St. Louis… and Houston… and New York… and Toronto… and I realize I’m not supposed to be there! How to get away, when I have left my laptop at her place?
And while I went back to bed to snooze I remembered another little episode from the same dream.
Dream: Mother and Me in St. Louis
Dreamlet: Trying to Get a Bath, Here!!
EDIT: A discussion with Stef about the dreamlet is FDRP96.
Filed under: self-work, vie quotidienne | Tags: daily life, MEcosystem, self-work
So. Have written 22 pages worth of “stuff” so far on paper… and am just taking a break for a second now, so will write more before the weekend is up. It’s not been as introspective a weekend as I’d like. It’s been a weekend of procrastination, though I did get things done like laundry and cleaning my room. But I did not finish the Erasmus paper or do my CS homework.
The most enjoyable part of the weekend was yesterday when I laid out on the ground in the sun in the park for an hour and read Crazy Talk and thought. And a little earlier today when I had a few light and pleasant words with a friend, and felt very happy. Other highlights included calling another friend on Skype, and coming to a realization in the bathroom this morning (I swear I should spend all my time in the bath!) which was very helpful indeed, if a bit confusing: I don’t know what to do with it, yet.
I’ve been pretty tense at times, as I am now. Tension means I should go back to journaling. I found who Christina from the dumbshow represents: my empathy. “Feminine” side, as it were. She wants me to call her Anima. Ok. And we only talked for 2 or 3 minutes, but she says we’ll talk again soon. Ok, Anima. It was nice to meet you, my dear. This is the first time I’ve ever talked with her. I’ve certainly lacked (and still lack) empathy for my child self. But if we can work on that with others… then empathy for the child will come. And then maybe Justice will allow me to talk more with the child – for he’s a proud papa and afraid I’ll hurt her. Since I often let Joan scare her with those crusades in my youth. Joan is anti-Anima.
Feeling a little less tense since I wrote that. Maybe I will try to speak with everyone a little more before bed. But right now, back to the journal.
I’ve been writing a list of things I need to process – memories to dig up, lessons to learn, themes to extract, feelings to examine… and of course actions to examine. And reactions to examine – the way I process and react to and show my feelings. The list isn’t proscriptive (I’m not going to check off things one by one and then say I’m done), but descriptive – it itself is a way to tease out themes and lessons to be learned. And also to realize what I’m not processing. For if my list under an important heading is short… oh, there’s some waiting treasure to be mined there!
So, back to the journal. I hope everyone has had a wonderful and productive weekend, and been as happy – mostly – as I have been.
Filed under: dreams, self-work, voice blog | Tags: dreams, self-work, voice blog
I had a set of 5 extremely involved, complicated, and vivid dreams last night. I record all of the details about 4 of them and mourn the loss of detail in the 5th in the recording below. Also a bonus: why most of my processing won’t be shown on this journal.
If anyone has any ideas about any of these dreams, do let me know. I know that the word zombie was mentioned last night in the chat room, and I am going to the Met next Sunday for my art history final, but… yeah. I tried to give the dreams more context this time.
On this day in 1478, a conspiracy to depose the Medici rulers of Florence was carried out with Papal backing. The conspiracy failed, but the consequences of the plot were quite interesting indeed!
This is an off-the-cuff lecture, so it’s a bit scattered. It combines political and art history. I’ll post pictures of the woodcuts I mention if anyone is interested. It’s only about 14 minutes long, so if you’re interested in history at all, have a listen!
If you like these, I can do more on occasion. :) Do let me know in the comments section what you think.
In more ways than one. I’m going on a cleaning spree today. Am going to sell a bunch of things which I haven’t used/worn/read in a while. That should serve both to bring in a little money and to generally make me happier. I don’t like keeping a lot of crap around.
In trying on all of the clothes that have been at the proverbial back of my closet (my room has no closet, so it’s a proverbial one) I’ve discovered several things. First and foremost… is that I’m losing weight. Yes, a shock! A long while ago I bought a skirt which is a UK size 18 (the equivalent American size is 16). Of course, when I bought it I couldn’t even dream of getting into it. Now… it fits. Like, I still need to lose another 5 pounds if I want to wear a frilly petticoat with it (it’s a bustle skirt, and so needs a frilly petticoat) but… it fits. Holy of holies, miracle of miracles! Of course… when I first got to New York, my dress size started with a 2. God help us all.
Cue the music, George!
Ok… what else. Long day today. Am planning on doing laundry, then heading to the park to do some journaling on one of the podcasts, then coming back and cleaning out my room, then finishing a paper and maybe – juuuuuuuuuuuuust maybe – starting my CS homework.
We’ll see how much of that I actually get done. But despite a little nagging tension I’m feeling pretty damned good today.
And here’s a fun song!
Filed under: dreams, self-work, voice blog | Tags: dreams, self-work, voice blog
So… here’s an entirely weird dream I had. I don’t remember all of it – in fact, I don’t even remember most of it, so this is very short. But given things that have been happening in my life (it is indeed student council election time at Columbia, the thing with journals, etc) it’s a really interesting remix. If anyone has an idea, let me know!
