So I was reading the first chapter of The Nutmeg of Consolation (I love Patrick O’Brien) and came across the word anfractuosity. It means “a winding channel, passage, or crevice.”
This is why I read literature by such authors. If there isn’t at least one word I don’t know in a book, it’s not worth reading. :D
ETA: And another! On the next page! Gralloch, meaning “to remove the offal from” a dead animal.
I found these two videos to be enormously helpful to me. The first one covers… good lord, just about my entire childhood history with doing things I really wanted to do. The second… amazing speech at the end. Both make me want to get out and freaking well DO SOMETHING!! :)
Procrastination and Crushed Dreams:
Fierce Joy vs. Depression
I’m not a huge fan of Handel… but the countertenor singing this song is… like… REALLY good.
And here he is again doing some Vivaldi.
Madness cometh sometime of passions of the soul, as of business and of great thoughts, of sorrow and of too great study, and of dread.
Thank you, Bartholomew.
I’ve not really the strength or the inclination to write much for public consumption.
I’ve been sick lately. Sick in mind, and sick in body.
The body first. I’ve been in the throes of various upper respiratory problems since… oh, Christmas. With little interruption. Medicine has had a dwindling effect on this. Lately, I’ve developed the trait of being dizzy. Almost all the time. And, of course, the usual joint ailment has kept up its course of unremitting pain for the past two weeks. I can’t sit down on the subway, now. Because it requires my feet to be tucked under me, which… well, you don’t need to know the details. Thank you, mother. Anything I take for that has the effect of completely knocking me out. I’d rather be in pain than non-functional.
It’s almost four years ago now that I went through a similar perfect storm of ailments. Being dizzy, weak, and tired all the time. Snapping at people and doing rash and stupid things to put my mind on something besides being in pain. And then… I went to sleep in mid-May, and woke up in June. Always mid-May into June, with this. The doctors – despite running tests which all came back with odd and contradictory results – never quite figured out what made me sleep for two weeks straight, and left me weak for months after.
I do not think it is any particular disease. The joint pain – we all know what that is. The other… is just exhaustion. My mind telling me that it will happily kill off the faculties of my body one by one until I take rest, I think. For, mind you, four years ago I was just coming out of a period of excruciating trials which had required every neuron in my possession. Doesn’t matter what, now.
I don’t want this to happen. And I don’t quite know how to stop it. Except by… stopping. Something I’ve not quite ever learned how to do. Some people stop via drugs. Some via alcohol. Some via doing dangerous things. Some… cannot do any of that. How do I stop?
This is where the mind sickness comes in. This perfect storm of symptoms didn’t originate in my body. I’ve gone… off the rails. Depending on what one things the precipitating event was, it was either on May 5th or 6th. N’importe quoi, n’importe qui. I’m under various… pressures now. Mostly self-inflicted. Some things I have to stop, or realize. First of these being the realization I can stop. Of my own accord. No traps, now. Except the ones I lay for myself.
Hesdin. I wanted an Alhambra of the soul, and I got… Hesdin instead. A booby-trapped mansion. No gardens. What is it with gardens in the Koran, by the way?
Well, now I’m distracted. I’m going to go see how Lymond gets himself out of Constantinople.
Not easy to write about the mental bit, is it.
The Good:
Payday in the Music Department
I got hired for the job I interviewed for last week
So far I’ve managed to eat only a reasonable amount of food today, despite various stressors
Therapy appt very soon
Am going to sit down and do budgeting tonight
Am really enjoying (ok, am head over heels in love with) the book I’m reading
The Bad:
The job I was hired for is – to start – only 1 day a week
Despite trying to be careful, I’m still spending a lot of $
I’m not looking forward to talking about the thing I need to talk about in therapy today
I’ve been eating very badly allllll week
So… a mixed sort of day. There are a lot of things going on which… well, my therapist needs to hear about them, not y’all. :) I think I’m going to take a break for… a little while. Maybe only till the weekend. Finish Lymond, and… clear my head a bit. Work on some things, yanno. I might be around only intermittently therefore.
I’m tied to this film for two reasons: first is that Howard Hughes was obsessed with this movie, and since I was slightly obsessed with Howard Hughes… well, you get it. The second is that I LOVE THE HELL OUT OF PATRICK MCGOOHAN, who is in my mind the best actor ever, and… just watch the following 58 second scene. This is both the character he plays – and the real man, oddly enough – in… less than a minute. Very funny scene.
Had a therapy appointment this morning at 8:45. I showed up at the office at 9:08, after a series of train delays and getting slightly lost in the West Village. (Fortunately he didn’t have a client after me, so I stayed until 10:15.)
It was wonderful.
So I sat down with him, and I didn’t feel any tension. He asked me a few general questions to prompt discussion, and I gave an outline of my story. Throughout, he was enormously empathetic, understanding – and seemed to appreciate the thoughts and insights I’d already come to. Afterwards, he expressed admiration at – given my experiences – I’m as sane as I am. He asked me throughout how I was feeling, and seemed to understand that a lot of times I have to work to be able to feel anything. This, he said, we could work on. He was curious about my perceptions of him – and I found it a good sign that after some of the initial skittishness had worn off, I felt no (or – let’s be real – very little) apprehension about how he was perceiving me, and no pressing need to manage his experience of me. I told him this, and we spoke about it for a bit.
So, I will be going to see him twice a week for the foreseeable future. He reduced his normal rates for me ($190 a session seems to be the going rate in Manhattan – but I won’t be paying that) and I was grateful for it. His office space, thank goodness, is also very pleasant and relaxing – and despite the statue of Ganesh in his office, he is in fact about a 60-year-old Jewish fellow. (But he made no comment on the fact that I’m an atheist when it came up, and he likewise understood perfectly well why I’ve deFOOed – both of which made me feel happy and at ease.)
I left his office feeling quite elated indeed. I’d asked him for a homework assignment, which he gave me. Can’t wait to go back. :)
Then I went to a job interview. Louis, the fellow I interviewed with, reminded me of my old boss Bob. This is a Good Thing. The interview was quick and workmanlike, and mostly consisted of his asking me if I could do X, Y, and Z – and he gave me a server room tour. Said I’d be hearing from him soon, and he can’t make me an offer just at this very second, but expect to hear from him or his proxy early next week with an offer.
Now mind you, the job is only 1 day a week to start. But the hourly rate is pretty good, and I’ll still be doing some consulting work for Christian, so I should be able to pay for therapy at least. Yay.
So now… it’s taken me 2 hours to type this far. Am at the Department. It’s Commencement Day, so all of the academics are swanning around in large baby blue robes with hoods and lappets of various colored velvets and satins. The school song was, in fact, sung. And now there is a large party for the graduates. It’s nice to see the students who have been very nice to me this semester become Dr. Post, Dr. Bettendorf, and Dr. Hodge. They’ve each got good positions in academia now – though Drs Post and Bettendorf are returning to their home countries. Writing that sentence makes me sad. Because it’s denying two things. First off is that I am… I can’t call it jealous. But there’s a twinge there of… I’m not sure. Not jealousy. Not even regret, really. Something I can’t figure out.
Dinner with Karl soon. Am stuffed – couldn’t eat another bite. But I haven’t seen him in a while, so I’ll just go have a drink (non-alcoholic) and talk with him.
Really interesting work on the shawms here. This is – of all things – a German metal band. Go figure. I’d show you a live version, but the one I like has been taken down.
The song is about a rich troll-woman trying to woo a knight. She’s very ugly, so must offer other inducements. Highlight of the song is the knight saying that he will not take her even for all her riches, because she’s both ugly and not a Christian. But it’s in Swedish, so you won’t be able to tell. :)
