I haven’t really wanted to write in a while – either in my journal or on this blog. I told myself at the outset, with both, that this would never become a “have to” type thing. Because having obligations imposed on me (even when they are things that I would normally want to do or would lead to my good) is really an area of great tenderness. And, frankly, I don’t want to give that internal dictator a hold.
I’ve been feeling some neck and back tension today. The neck tension started as I began to write this. The back tension has been off and on. It started slightly before I asked a… – what shall I call him? I do not think it would be wrong, but only factually innacurate, to call him a friend… – so, a friend if he would be willing to speak with me. We have not spoken at length since the spring, for a variety of reasons – mostly having to do with my actions.
I have been curious for some time to hear and know this friend’s experience of me and of the things which led to the closing off of our relationship. He seemed at first very reluctant, and then less so. I too am reluctant – feeling a good deal of the fright of it, and wondering how it will go. But yet I respect him, and admire him, and I was in the wrong for a good deal of what led to our falling out, and I am genuinely curious as to his thoughts, feelings, and experiences… and so – though feeling the fear of it – I will take the opportunity he is allowing me.
The neck tension has diminished slightly. N had an excellent call today. So many things about the call struck me – but mainly things in my own feelings and experiences. At first I was… well, not overtly frustrated… but covertly. I wanted to give “evidence” and speed him along – what I told myself was that he was stalling, and not being 100% truthful… which is true, of course… but another thought is “why should I care? That is closed.”
I do not know if it was wrong of me or not. Others were feeling frustration, and expressing it. But I did not express mine, except to send one whisper to Stef providing a “fact” – which was true, of course, but absolutely unnecessary. I did not take care – in a call about honesty – to be honest first with myself about what I was feeling or experiencing. This is a hypocrisy that Stef talked about in the call as well: people who cannot see their own evils or failings in themselves see their evils or failings foremost in others. (Not that this was a great evil, but it is very sub-optimal. And if I expect people to be honest and forthright with me, how can that expectation be reasonable if I will not first be honest and forthright with myself!)
I began also to think about the husband-in-my-head. He’s been around for… oh, since about May? After the thing with N had ended and I got into therapy. I cannot always see him – when I am in denial I do not see him… and of course I saw him rarely during the Russia episode – but he has been around quite a bit lately. John isn’t happy with my slip today, nor indeed with my dinner plans.
It’s much easier to ignore John short-term than it is to follow his good counsel. Long-term… I know for certain that the consequences of ignoring him would be disastrous. I don’t think John is the same as the “husband” I dreamt of last week, but… I don’t know. Are you?
He smiled and shook his head no. That’s another thing – he doesn’t speak at all. But that is better, I think. He’s my better self: the one who knows all of this already. I’m the one who won’t admit it. :)
I’m feeling a little less tension. I’m going to go make dinner – what John suggests, instead of what I had thought idly of doing, which is more expensive and less healthy. He also wants me to go and work out. Which I may yet do.
I’m feeling a good deal lighter and happier, actually. I like doing what pleases him – and not because it releases me from tension… because it’s not a “removal of punishment” sort of thing. But just because I like it.
Ah, that’s what’s what. Because now I also want to journal a bit. It appears that the call and this writing unstuck a bit of a blockage.
I would like to speak with some of you this week. Could we, if you all want to, do sort of a weekly call on our own, perhaps? Just to chat, catch up, etc? I’d like that of all things. Let me know if you’re interested. :)
(note: This came to me in rather a profound flash. I had wondered why I was – am – so interested in Russia, as a whole and as a people – and at the individual person level. And why I chose to go there. I’m shaking now – not from fear or anxiety. I’m not sure why. Maybe just a delayed response to the cold. But this is what I thought about on my walk tonight. The “law” thing is something I’ve been thinking about… practicing contract law in places where there really isn’t any such thing yet.)
“Maybe this is just because I was raised by people of a higher psychoclass… like, self-aggrandizement or something because I function on a higher level than they do. But I don’t think so. The truth is… they just have no spirit. It’s been bred – beaten – out of them. The subway cars are really like animal cars. They sit there like animals. Or… no. No. The problem is that they sit there, but not passively. Every one of them seems to be actively scanning the other people there. Taking in their clothes, their hair, makeup – their status, basically. And behind that is the implicit question “Are you going to hurt me?” – which always gets answered in the positive. That’s the problem.
“When I was a teenager I used to compliment myself – or think it might be nice to be able to compliment myself – on having no essential self. Which I saw as making me adaptive to any and every situation. Without realizing, of course, that it is only the people who HAVE an essential self who are – or can be – adaptive. The people in Moscow are the ones who really have no essential selves. Whole train cars – whole cities – full of them. Full of people who go around terrorized constantly functioning at the level of “Are you my friend or my enemy” – without knowing how to deal with people who are their friends, because they’ve never met any. Because it’s not even possible to meet any. These are the people with no essential selves. Which is why Russia can’t survive – won’t survive – because… people of that psychoclass who can’t adapt just… perish. Like Neanderthal man gave way to Homo erectus. Because they couldn’t evolve.
“So there’s the lesson. Here’s the lesson of Russia: here’s what we missed out on. Here’s what we’ve come up from – together. Here’s what we should be damned glad we can’t compliment ourselves on being. It’s not possible to change Russia… but seeing what that does on a societal level… doesn’t it make you want to improve? Not to go practice law there – or go bring laws into the places where there aren’t any – because it’s not happening. You know? Those interesting problems to solve… well, isn’t it those social institutions we want to get rid of in the first place? With the government as the arbiter of contracts?”
I’m going back and researching a bit more today. It’s a bit difficult to find a therapist in suburbia when you haven’t got a car, and have very few means of purchasing a car.
Good news, however! The two nicer therapists I’ve already talked to are not within walking distance of any Metro-North stations… but I searched again, and it seems that there is one excellent-sounding psychologist who has an alternate office within walking distance (only 1 mile away, and Google Maps shows that there are sidewalks along the route) of my apartment. I’ve called and left her a voicemail – and am waiting quite eagerly for her call back. If she’s accepting new patients and does indeed practice in Milford (and, of course, if I get a good vibe), then it’s settled. Her specialty, as she says, is CBT, and she focuses on ” maintaining good rapport between therapist and client with unconditional positive regard, support, and empathy.”
I mean… I honestly became really emotional when I read that. Sort of… sad and eager at the same time. Tears were shed.
So… working on it. Getting closer. I hope to begin therapy this coming week.
Well… it’s here.
Yesterday – 1/1/09 – I moved into a new (to me – it was built in 2003) apartment. That’s about as definitive a signal of a new life as I can think of. I’ve read a lot of blog posts lately about goal setting, and New Year’s resolutions, and all of that. I’m not really a “resolution” person – because if doing things was really easy as writing a goal down on a piece of paper, those things wouldn’t be worth doing anyway.
I think, however, that it’s good to look back at 2008, and see what worked well and what did not, and then to project forward a bit into 2009 and brainstorm a few things that I think I’d like to get accomplished, and set those down. Not as “resolutions” or even as “goals,” per se… but a sort of “here’s where I could go from here” brain dump.
So without further ado…
2008
Lord, what a year. If you told me on 1/1/2008 that anything that actually happened to me was going to occur, I’d have seriously thought of telephoning the men in little white coats to take you away. I never thought, as the year began, that I’d have lived in 2 foreign countries, visited a third, and travelled through a 4th and 5th by the end of the year. I never thought I’d put the brakes on Columbia, or get an English-language teaching certificate, or sell absolutely everything I owned, or… any of that.
This time last year – on 1/2/2008 – I was sitting in my bedroom in Brooklyn. Probably talking to Nathan. I had *just* deFOOed 4 days before then, and was feeling fairly good about it, actually. 8 days later, I started this blog. That person seems… almost unrecognizable, and yet very familiar to me.
The Good
- I finally went abroad by myself for the first time ever – and got over my fear of travelling to countries where I don’t speak the language.
- I read a great number of books (including, finally, War and Peace), got a CELTA, improved my French, and learned a number of obscure facts.
- I began therapy and made progress on my social anxiety.
- I made more progress than I think I can admit to, philosophically. I became much more active with my MEcosystem, became much more empathetic than I was towards myself and others, finally admitted the existence of the inner child, had a lot of good conversations with Stef and others, and I hesitatingly moved towards being able to accept my own progress without slamming myself for “not having done more.”
- I came back to America, found an excellent job, and made a commitment to therapy going forward.
The Bad
- I spent every last penny of my savings from my last part-time job.
- I didn’t get to enjoy Moscow at all while I was there, and didn’t get to go inside the Kremlin or visit the State History Museum – or any other cities in Russia.
The Ugly
- I made a lot of people extremely nervous, including myself – by doing things such as not listening to my MEs, acting impulsively and without reflection (all the while thinking I had reflected), disregarding the possible future effects of my actions on anyone – including myself – and other acts.
- I quit therapy 3 months after I started.
- The two above caused rifts in a number of my friendships, which is extremely upsetting (saddening, anxiety-provoking, and I feel quite a bit of shame) but – good lord, of course! – understandable, given circumstances.
Quite a year. It’ll take quite a lot of processing before I can make peace with 2008. There are a number of outcomes that I’d change if I could… but… I don’t think I’d give up that two and a half months of meeting with Jake every week and getting to know him, or the experience of living in Russia, or… no. No, I won’t say that yet… but I think that’ll be the final seal on the year.
2009
There are a number of things I’d like to work on in 2009. Every year (not necessarily in January, but at some point during the year) I choose a theme for that year. 2008 was “The year of doing everything I wanted to do when I was 12.” And, in a lot of ways, that was correct. I quit school and travelled and took up rock climbing and a number of things I wanted to do when I was 12. With all empathy directed towards my child self, however… I acted like I was 12 (meaning I didn’t have a big-picture view most of the time or consider the effects of my actions) a lot of the time. This wasn’t by design.
2009 looks like it’ll be “The year of security.” Or of becoming secure. Emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, health-wise, educationally, career-wise, and in all other ways.
To that end, here are some things I’m considering doing in 2009.
Physical Health
Securing my health by:
Losing 52 pounds
-Drinking 1L water/day
-Eating 3 small, balanced meals + 2 snacks per day
-Exercising for 1h at least 3x/week
(mini-suggestions 2-4 will take care of mini-suggestion #1)
Finances
Securing my finances by:
Saving $25,000 ($15,000 cash + $5,000 401k contributions + $5,000 employer 401K match)
-Tracking my income and expenditures on a daily basis
-Waiting 30 days before making any purchase over $50 (when practicable)
Eliminating high-interest credit card debt
Mental/Emotional Health
Securing my mental and emotional health by:
Going to therapy again 2x/week
-Taking time to re-listen to therapy convos, doing psychological h/w, and processing emotions which come up
-De-construct negative self-talk/negative core beliefs with help of therapist
Journal at least 1x per day
Take a greater interest/role in FDR
Repair (where the other party shows an interest) friendships which have been damaged by my past actions
Trust/listen to instincts, MEcosystem, and all manifestations of subconscious
Get involved in a community – make quality local friends
Think about beginning search for a mate
Attend FDR BBQ (if invited) and have a grand ol’ time
Education
Resolve status at Columbia (de-enroll, xfer credits)
More thoroughly research online degree programs beginning fall ‘09 – and enroll in one
Read 52 books
Complete Latin grammar, Russian grammar and “math for liberal arts majors” workbooks
Participate in Company B employee training/certificate programs
Keep French polished by listening to French audiobooks and doing mini-translations
Continue working on language-learning de-construction experiment
Career
Learn everything possible and meet everybody possible.
Misc. Maybes
Learn to sail
Horseback riding lessons
Kilimanjaro?
Back to Russia (for a 3-day visit only!) before my visa expires
A 2-week trip somewhere else in Europe
That’s quite a list!
The mental/emotional health list is the longest. It should be, I think. There’s another thing I didn’t write on that “possible to-do” list, because it’s not a negotiable. What I really want to do this year is re-affirm that my mental and emotional health – my connection with myself (conscious and unconscious), my friends, and philosophy – is my #1 priority. Above saving $25k or learning a new language and even above losing weight. #1. And when I say re-affirm, I mean re-affirm by my actions, not by my words. Re-affirm by actually going to therapy. By actually journalling. By actually doing things that are going to lead to reconciliation with my much-missed friends. By actually processing my history.
That’s the “security” I’m talking about – because the will do to anything and everything else comes from there.
So… The Year Of Security is but 2 days old. What will my life be like on 1/2/2010? I can’t wait to find out.
