Well… it’s here.
Yesterday – 1/1/09 – I moved into a new (to me – it was built in 2003) apartment. That’s about as definitive a signal of a new life as I can think of. I’ve read a lot of blog posts lately about goal setting, and New Year’s resolutions, and all of that. I’m not really a “resolution” person – because if doing things was really easy as writing a goal down on a piece of paper, those things wouldn’t be worth doing anyway.
I think, however, that it’s good to look back at 2008, and see what worked well and what did not, and then to project forward a bit into 2009 and brainstorm a few things that I think I’d like to get accomplished, and set those down. Not as “resolutions” or even as “goals,” per se… but a sort of “here’s where I could go from here” brain dump.
So without further ado…
2008
Lord, what a year. If you told me on 1/1/2008 that anything that actually happened to me was going to occur, I’d have seriously thought of telephoning the men in little white coats to take you away. I never thought, as the year began, that I’d have lived in 2 foreign countries, visited a third, and travelled through a 4th and 5th by the end of the year. I never thought I’d put the brakes on Columbia, or get an English-language teaching certificate, or sell absolutely everything I owned, or… any of that.
This time last year – on 1/2/2008 – I was sitting in my bedroom in Brooklyn. Probably talking to Nathan. I had *just* deFOOed 4 days before then, and was feeling fairly good about it, actually. 8 days later, I started this blog. That person seems… almost unrecognizable, and yet very familiar to me.
The Good
- I finally went abroad by myself for the first time ever – and got over my fear of travelling to countries where I don’t speak the language.
- I read a great number of books (including, finally, War and Peace), got a CELTA, improved my French, and learned a number of obscure facts.
- I began therapy and made progress on my social anxiety.
- I made more progress than I think I can admit to, philosophically. I became much more active with my MEcosystem, became much more empathetic than I was towards myself and others, finally admitted the existence of the inner child, had a lot of good conversations with Stef and others, and I hesitatingly moved towards being able to accept my own progress without slamming myself for “not having done more.”
- I came back to America, found an excellent job, and made a commitment to therapy going forward.
The Bad
- I spent every last penny of my savings from my last part-time job.
- I didn’t get to enjoy Moscow at all while I was there, and didn’t get to go inside the Kremlin or visit the State History Museum – or any other cities in Russia.
The Ugly
- I made a lot of people extremely nervous, including myself – by doing things such as not listening to my MEs, acting impulsively and without reflection (all the while thinking I had reflected), disregarding the possible future effects of my actions on anyone – including myself – and other acts.
- I quit therapy 3 months after I started.
- The two above caused rifts in a number of my friendships, which is extremely upsetting (saddening, anxiety-provoking, and I feel quite a bit of shame) but – good lord, of course! – understandable, given circumstances.
Quite a year. It’ll take quite a lot of processing before I can make peace with 2008. There are a number of outcomes that I’d change if I could… but… I don’t think I’d give up that two and a half months of meeting with Jake every week and getting to know him, or the experience of living in Russia, or… no. No, I won’t say that yet… but I think that’ll be the final seal on the year.
2009
There are a number of things I’d like to work on in 2009. Every year (not necessarily in January, but at some point during the year) I choose a theme for that year. 2008 was “The year of doing everything I wanted to do when I was 12.” And, in a lot of ways, that was correct. I quit school and travelled and took up rock climbing and a number of things I wanted to do when I was 12. With all empathy directed towards my child self, however… I acted like I was 12 (meaning I didn’t have a big-picture view most of the time or consider the effects of my actions) a lot of the time. This wasn’t by design.
2009 looks like it’ll be “The year of security.” Or of becoming secure. Emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, health-wise, educationally, career-wise, and in all other ways.
To that end, here are some things I’m considering doing in 2009.
Physical Health
Securing my health by:
Losing 52 pounds
-Drinking 1L water/day
-Eating 3 small, balanced meals + 2 snacks per day
-Exercising for 1h at least 3x/week
(mini-suggestions 2-4 will take care of mini-suggestion #1)
Finances
Securing my finances by:
Saving $25,000 ($15,000 cash + $5,000 401k contributions + $5,000 employer 401K match)
-Tracking my income and expenditures on a daily basis
-Waiting 30 days before making any purchase over $50 (when practicable)
Eliminating high-interest credit card debt
Mental/Emotional Health
Securing my mental and emotional health by:
Going to therapy again 2x/week
-Taking time to re-listen to therapy convos, doing psychological h/w, and processing emotions which come up
-De-construct negative self-talk/negative core beliefs with help of therapist
Journal at least 1x per day
Take a greater interest/role in FDR
Repair (where the other party shows an interest) friendships which have been damaged by my past actions
Trust/listen to instincts, MEcosystem, and all manifestations of subconscious
Get involved in a community – make quality local friends
Think about beginning search for a mate
Attend FDR BBQ (if invited) and have a grand ol’ time
Education
Resolve status at Columbia (de-enroll, xfer credits)
More thoroughly research online degree programs beginning fall ‘09 – and enroll in one
Read 52 books
Complete Latin grammar, Russian grammar and “math for liberal arts majors” workbooks
Participate in Company B employee training/certificate programs
Keep French polished by listening to French audiobooks and doing mini-translations
Continue working on language-learning de-construction experiment
Career
Learn everything possible and meet everybody possible.
Misc. Maybes
Learn to sail
Horseback riding lessons
Kilimanjaro?
Back to Russia (for a 3-day visit only!) before my visa expires
A 2-week trip somewhere else in Europe
That’s quite a list!
The mental/emotional health list is the longest. It should be, I think. There’s another thing I didn’t write on that “possible to-do” list, because it’s not a negotiable. What I really want to do this year is re-affirm that my mental and emotional health – my connection with myself (conscious and unconscious), my friends, and philosophy – is my #1 priority. Above saving $25k or learning a new language and even above losing weight. #1. And when I say re-affirm, I mean re-affirm by my actions, not by my words. Re-affirm by actually going to therapy. By actually journalling. By actually doing things that are going to lead to reconciliation with my much-missed friends. By actually processing my history.
That’s the “security” I’m talking about – because the will do to anything and everything else comes from there.
So… The Year Of Security is but 2 days old. What will my life be like on 1/2/2010? I can’t wait to find out.
