Montaigne’s Heiress

I haven’t really wanted to write in a while – either in my journal or on this blog. I told myself at the outset, with both, that this would never become a “have to” type thing. Because having obligations imposed on me (even when they are things that I would normally want to do or would lead to my good) is really an area of great tenderness. And, frankly, I don’t want to give that internal dictator a hold.

I’ve been feeling some neck and back tension today. The neck tension started as I began to write this. The back tension has been off and on. It started slightly before I asked a… – what shall I call him? I do not think it would be wrong, but only factually innacurate, to call him a friend… – so, a friend if he would be willing to speak with me. We have not spoken at length since the spring, for a variety of reasons – mostly having to do with my actions.

I have been curious for some time to hear and know this friend’s experience of me and of the things which led to the closing off of our relationship. He seemed at first very reluctant, and then less so. I too am reluctant – feeling a good deal of the fright of it, and wondering how it will go. But yet I respect him, and admire him, and I was in the wrong for a good deal of what led to our falling out, and I am genuinely curious as to his thoughts, feelings, and experiences… and so – though feeling the fear of it – I will take the opportunity he is allowing me.

The neck tension has diminished slightly. N had an excellent call today. So many things about the call struck me – but mainly things in my own feelings and experiences. At first I was… well, not overtly frustrated… but covertly. I wanted to give “evidence” and speed him along – what I told myself was that he was stalling, and not being 100% truthful… which is true, of course… but another thought is “why should I care? That is closed.”

I do not know if it was wrong of me or not. Others were feeling frustration, and expressing it. But I did not express mine, except to send one whisper to Stef providing a “fact” – which was true, of course, but absolutely unnecessary. I did not take care – in a call about honesty – to be honest first with myself about what I was feeling or experiencing. This is a hypocrisy that Stef talked about in the call as well: people who cannot see their own evils or failings in themselves see their evils or failings foremost in others. (Not that this was a great evil, but it is very sub-optimal. And if I expect people to be honest and forthright with me, how can that expectation be reasonable if I will not first be honest and forthright with myself!)

I began also to think about the husband-in-my-head. He’s been around for… oh, since about May? After the thing with N had ended and I got into therapy. I cannot always see him – when I am in denial I do not see him… and of course I saw him rarely during the Russia episode – but he has been around quite a bit lately. John isn’t happy with my slip today, nor indeed with my dinner plans.

It’s much easier to ignore John short-term than it is to follow his good counsel. Long-term… I know for certain that the consequences of ignoring him would be disastrous. I don’t think John is the same as the “husband” I dreamt of last week, but… I don’t know. Are you?

He smiled and shook his head no. That’s another thing – he doesn’t speak at all. But that is better, I think. He’s my better self: the one who knows all of this already. I’m the one who won’t admit it. :)

I’m feeling a little less tension. I’m going to go make dinner – what John suggests, instead of what I had thought idly of doing, which is more expensive and less healthy. He also wants me to go and work out. Which I may yet do.

I’m feeling a good deal lighter and happier, actually. I like doing what pleases him – and not because it releases me from tension… because it’s not a “removal of punishment” sort of thing. But just because I like it.

Ah, that’s what’s what. Because now I also want to journal a bit. It appears that the call and this writing unstuck a bit of a blockage.

I would like to speak with some of you this week. Could we, if you all want to, do sort of a weekly call on our own, perhaps? Just to chat, catch up, etc? I’d like that of all things. Let me know if you’re interested. :)