Well… I was. And yet not. No, I was fundamentally not talking about Russians. Not even about Russians who find it funny that the people around them look like beasts waiting to beat people or to be beaten when they stand in public places. No… I was talking about myself. And the part of myself that draws me back to those places. Back to places – internally, externally – where that is the expectation. An expectation of encountering nothing but evil. And of laughing at evil.

That aside… I wonder how they found this blog. здравствуйте, anyhow. I’d actually like to speak to you, and understand what made you laugh about that. Do you not see it? You probably do not see it in yourself, and don’t want to see it in others. That’s ok… I am the same way.

I like Russia – and I almost wonder why I do. I want to go back to Russia. And I want to live in Russia and understand it. Understanding it is probably impossible. It’s impossible to understand America, after all. Impossible to understand any aggregation of millions of people and their histories. Since Russia does not exist. Since America does not exist. Only people.

I’ve not sufficiently processed enough to understand fundamentally “Why Russia?”

Why… Russia? I’m beginning to think that it is not that vast country outside, but the vast country inside, which calls. “Russia” may be right here.

My hovercraft is full of eels.

In Latin.

Is this really all I can offer to the world? Explaining obscure shit from Hamlet, and junk Latin phrases coming from mediocre Monty Python skits?

The most popular search term on my blog? “…must, like a whore, unpack my heart with words”

Gooooo on?

I’ve been feeling some neck and back tension today. The neck tension started as I began to write this. The back tension has been off and on. It started slightly before I asked a… – what shall I call him? I do not think it would be wrong, but only factually innacurate, to call him a friend… – so, a friend if he would be willing to speak with me. We have not spoken at length since the spring, for a variety of reasons – mostly having to do with my actions.

I have been curious for some time to hear and know this friend’s experience of me and of the things which led to the closing off of our relationship. He seemed at first very reluctant, and then less so. I too am reluctant – feeling a good deal of the fright of it, and wondering how it will go. But yet I respect him, and admire him, and I was in the wrong for a good deal of what led to our falling out, and I am genuinely curious as to his thoughts, feelings, and experiences… and so – though feeling the fear of it – I will take the opportunity he is allowing me.

The neck tension has diminished slightly. N had an excellent call today. So many things about the call struck me – but mainly things in my own feelings and experiences. At first I was… well, not overtly frustrated… but covertly. I wanted to give “evidence” and speed him along – what I told myself was that he was stalling, and not being 100% truthful… which is true, of course… but another thought is “why should I care? That is closed.”

I do not know if it was wrong of me or not. Others were feeling frustration, and expressing it. But I did not express mine, except to send one whisper to Stef providing a “fact” – which was true, of course, but absolutely unnecessary. I did not take care – in a call about honesty – to be honest first with myself about what I was feeling or experiencing. This is a hypocrisy that Stef talked about in the call as well: people who cannot see their own evils or failings in themselves see their evils or failings foremost in others. (Not that this was a great evil, but it is very sub-optimal. And if I expect people to be honest and forthright with me, how can that expectation be reasonable if I will not first be honest and forthright with myself!)

I began also to think about the husband-in-my-head. He’s been around for… oh, since about May? After the thing with N had ended and I got into therapy. I cannot always see him – when I am in denial I do not see him… and of course I saw him rarely during the Russia episode – but he has been around quite a bit lately. John isn’t happy with my slip today, nor indeed with my dinner plans.

It’s much easier to ignore John short-term than it is to follow his good counsel. Long-term… I know for certain that the consequences of ignoring him would be disastrous. I don’t think John is the same as the “husband” I dreamt of last week, but… I don’t know. Are you?

He smiled and shook his head no. That’s another thing – he doesn’t speak at all. But that is better, I think. He’s my better self: the one who knows all of this already. I’m the one who won’t admit it. :)

I’m feeling a little less tension. I’m going to go make dinner – what John suggests, instead of what I had thought idly of doing, which is more expensive and less healthy. He also wants me to go and work out. Which I may yet do.

I’m feeling a good deal lighter and happier, actually. I like doing what pleases him – and not because it releases me from tension… because it’s not a “removal of punishment” sort of thing. But just because I like it.

Ah, that’s what’s what. Because now I also want to journal a bit. It appears that the call and this writing unstuck a bit of a blockage.

I would like to speak with some of you this week. Could we, if you all want to, do sort of a weekly call on our own, perhaps? Just to chat, catch up, etc? I’d like that of all things. Let me know if you’re interested. :)

“Maybe this is just because I was raised by people of a higher psychoclass… like, self-aggrandizement or something because I function on a higher level than they do. But I don’t think so. The truth is… they just have no spirit. It’s been bred – beaten – out of them. The subway cars are really like animal cars. They sit there like animals. Or… no. No. The problem is that they sit there, but not passively. Every one of them seems to be actively scanning the other people there. Taking in their clothes, their hair, makeup – their status, basically. And behind that is the implicit question “Are you going to hurt me?” – which always gets answered in the positive. That’s the problem.

“When I was a teenager I used to compliment myself – or think it might be nice to be able to compliment myself – on having no essential self. Which I saw as making me adaptive to any and every situation. Without realizing, of course, that it is only the people who HAVE an essential self who are – or can be – adaptive. The people in Moscow are the ones who really have no essential selves. Whole train cars – whole cities – full of them. Full of people who go around terrorized constantly functioning at the level of “Are you my friend or my enemy” – without knowing how to deal with people who are their friends, because they’ve never met any. Because it’s not even possible to meet any. These are the people with no essential selves. Which is why Russia can’t survive – won’t survive – because… people of that psychoclass who can’t adapt just… perish. Like Neanderthal man gave way to Homo erectus. Because they couldn’t evolve.

“So there’s the lesson. Here’s the lesson of Russia: here’s what we missed out on. Here’s what we’ve come up from – together. Here’s what we should be damned glad we can’t compliment ourselves on being. It’s not possible to change Russia… but seeing what that does on a societal level… doesn’t it make you want to improve? Not to go practice law there – or go bring laws into the places where there aren’t any – because it’s not happening. You know? Those interesting problems to solve… well, isn’t it those social institutions we want to get rid of in the first place? With the government as the arbiter of contracts?”

Good news, however! The two nicer therapists I’ve already talked to are not within walking distance of any Metro-North stations… but I searched again, and it seems that there is one excellent-sounding psychologist who has an alternate office within walking distance (only 1 mile away, and Google Maps shows that there are sidewalks along the route) of my apartment. I’ve called and left her a voicemail – and am waiting quite eagerly for her call back. If she’s accepting new patients and does indeed practice in Milford (and, of course, if I get a good vibe), then it’s settled. Her specialty, as she says, is CBT, and she focuses on ” maintaining good rapport between therapist and client with unconditional positive regard, support, and empathy.”

I mean… I honestly became really emotional when I read that. Sort of… sad and eager at the same time. Tears were shed.

So… working on it. Getting closer. I hope to begin therapy this coming week.

Yesterday – 1/1/09 – I moved into a new (to me – it was built in 2003) apartment. That’s about as definitive a signal of a new life as I can think of. I’ve read a lot of blog posts lately about goal setting, and New Year’s resolutions, and all of that. I’m not really a “resolution” person – because if doing things was really easy as writing a goal down on a piece of paper, those things wouldn’t be worth doing anyway.

I think, however, that it’s good to look back at 2008, and see what worked well and what did not, and then to project forward a bit into 2009 and brainstorm a few things that I think I’d like to get accomplished, and set those down. Not as “resolutions” or even as “goals,” per se… but a sort of “here’s where I could go from here” brain dump.

So without further ado…

2008

Lord, what a year. If you told me on 1/1/2008 that anything that actually happened to me was going to occur, I’d have seriously thought of telephoning the men in little white coats to take you away. I never thought, as the year began, that I’d have lived in 2 foreign countries, visited a third, and travelled through a 4th and 5th by the end of the year. I never thought I’d put the brakes on Columbia, or get an English-language teaching certificate, or sell absolutely everything I owned, or… any of that.

This time last year – on 1/2/2008 – I was sitting in my bedroom in Brooklyn. Probably talking to Nathan. I had *just* deFOOed 4 days before then, and was feeling fairly good about it, actually. 8 days later, I started this blog. That person seems… almost unrecognizable, and yet very familiar to me.

The Good

• I finally went abroad by myself for the first time ever – and got over my fear of travelling to countries where I don’t speak the language.
• I read a great number of books (including, finally, War and Peace), got a CELTA, improved my French, and learned a number of obscure facts.
• I began therapy and made progress on my social anxiety.
• I made more progress than I think I can admit to, philosophically. I became much more active with my MEcosystem, became much more empathetic than I was towards myself and others, finally admitted the existence of the inner child, had a lot of good conversations with Stef and others, and I hesitatingly moved towards being able to accept my own progress without slamming myself for “not having done more.”
• I came back to America, found an excellent job, and made a commitment to therapy going forward.

The Bad

• I spent every last penny of my savings from my last part-time job.
• I didn’t get to enjoy Moscow at all while I was there, and didn’t get to go inside the Kremlin or visit the State History Museum – or any other cities in Russia.

The Ugly

• I made a lot of people extremely nervous, including myself – by doing things such as not listening to my MEs, acting impulsively and without reflection (all the while thinking I had reflected), disregarding the possible future effects of my actions on anyone – including myself – and other acts.
• I quit therapy 3 months after I started.
• The two above caused rifts in a number of my friendships, which is extremely upsetting (saddening, anxiety-provoking, and I feel quite a bit of shame) but – good lord, of course! – understandable, given circumstances.

Quite a year. It’ll take quite a lot of processing before I can make peace with 2008. There are a number of outcomes that I’d change if I could… but… I don’t think I’d give up that two and a half months of meeting with Jake every week and getting to know him, or the experience of living in Russia, or… no. No, I won’t say that yet… but I think that’ll be the final seal on the year.

2009

There are a number of things I’d like to work on in 2009. Every year (not necessarily in January, but at some point during the year) I choose a theme for that year. 2008 was “The year of doing everything I wanted to do when I was 12.” And, in a lot of ways, that was correct. I quit school and travelled and took up rock climbing and a number of things I wanted to do when I was 12. With all empathy directed towards my child self, however… I acted like I was 12 (meaning I didn’t have a big-picture view most of the time or consider the effects of my actions) a lot of the time. This wasn’t by design.

2009 looks like it’ll be “The year of security.” Or of becoming secure. Emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, health-wise, educationally, career-wise, and in all other ways.

To that end, here are some things I’m considering doing in 2009.

Physical Health

Securing my health by:

Losing 52 pounds
-Drinking 1L water/day
-Eating 3 small, balanced meals + 2 snacks per day
-Exercising for 1h at least 3x/week

(mini-suggestions 2-4 will take care of mini-suggestion #1)

Finances

Securing my finances by:

Saving $25,000 ($15,000 cash + $5,000 401k contributions + $5,000 employer 401K match)
-Tracking my income and expenditures on a daily basis
-Waiting 30 days before making any purchase over $50 (when practicable)
Eliminating high-interest credit card debt

Mental/Emotional Health

Securing my mental and emotional health by:

Going to therapy again 2x/week
-Taking time to re-listen to therapy convos, doing psychological h/w, and processing emotions which come up
-De-construct negative self-talk/negative core beliefs with help of therapist
Journal at least 1x per day
Take a greater interest/role in FDR
Repair (where the other party shows an interest) friendships which have been damaged by my past actions
Trust/listen to instincts, MEcosystem, and all manifestations of subconscious
Get involved in a community – make quality local friends
Think about beginning search for a mate
Attend FDR BBQ (if invited) and have a grand ol’ time

Education

Resolve status at Columbia (de-enroll, xfer credits)
More thoroughly research online degree programs beginning fall ’09 – and enroll in one
Read 52 books
Complete Latin grammar, Russian grammar and “math for liberal arts majors” workbooks
Participate in Company B employee training/certificate programs
Keep French polished by listening to French audiobooks and doing mini-translations
Continue working on language-learning de-construction experiment

Career

Learn everything possible and meet everybody possible.

Misc. Maybes

Learn to sail
Horseback riding lessons
Kilimanjaro?
Back to Russia (for a 3-day visit only!) before my visa expires
A 2-week trip somewhere else in Europe

That’s quite a list!

The mental/emotional health list is the longest. It should be, I think. There’s another thing I didn’t write on that “possible to-do” list, because it’s not a negotiable. What I really want to do this year is re-affirm that my mental and emotional health – my connection with myself (conscious and unconscious), my friends, and philosophy – is my #1 priority. Above saving $25k or learning a new language and even above losing weight. #1. And when I say re-affirm, I mean re-affirm by my actions, not by my words. Re-affirm by actually going to therapy. By actually journalling. By actually doing things that are going to lead to reconciliation with my much-missed friends. By actually processing my history.

That’s the “security” I’m talking about – because the will do to anything and everything else comes from there.

So… The Year Of Security is but 2 days old. What will my life be like on 1/2/2010? I can’t wait to find out.

“You know, sweetheart… we all slip sometimes. We’re none of us perfect. I wasn’t always a virtuous person. There was one time – this was years ago – I had a go at your dad. I cursed him, even. It was wrong of me… but I apologized, and I made it right. And that’s what virtuous people do. Even your dad… he used to believe that war was ok in defense of the state. But one night, someone convinced your dad that his argument was wrong.

“That man did your dad a service sweetheart. If people come along and give you an argument – and are not criticizing out of insecurity or for criticism’s sake – and you can accept that argument as logical and reasonable, and change your position, then the person who corrects you is doing you a service. And moral people – virtuous people – take those arguments that other people give them, and they hold them up to reason, and if they’re reasonable, they thank the person who gave them the argument – for pointing out their errors, and also for thinking highly enough of them to wish to do so, and think that they would get a good reception. Because not everyone will take a pause to consider what people say to them against reason and evidence, and act accordingly.

“So we all slip, love. But the mark of virtue is to realize it and correct it, and to listen to criticism and others’ feelings, and then do something to correct the breach – not because you’re scared or anxious, but because you’re moral. And that’s all that morality, that virtue require – that you do your best, and correct your mistakes when you make them. And the kind of person that your dad is, is the kind of person who can and will do that. He’ll thank you, love, for pointing it out.”

It’s obviously not Stef’s 13-day-old daughter I’m talking to. It’s quite another child whose wounds I was attempting to drop balm into – or who was attempting to drop balm into mine. And I’m feeling sad… but it is really a rich and deep sadness.

I feel closer to the child than I have in many months.

A little while ago, I started feeling… not the usual restlessness, and not even frustrated or anything, but just… sad. The phrase that occurred to me in my head was “I want your good opinions… but the truth is… that I don’t want them enough to change what I’m doing. I don’t want them enough to deny myself and take the ‘safe’ path. I know I won’t keep any of you by taking the dangerous path… but I can’t care.”

The thing is, this isn’t true. And I know it isn’t.

Let’s be logical about this.

What would throwing everything up again and taking the “dangerous” or “exciting” path be for?

To make us happy.

But we know what adulation we get when we take that path, and from what kinds of people.

Yes.

We’ve met people who are on that path.

Yes.

We’ve even FUCKING COUNSELLED THEM, FOR GOD’S SAKE, TO GIVE IT THE FUCK UP!

Yes.

So… what’s it going to do for us now?

I hate this! I want to go travelling! I hate this! I hate being here! It’s like waiting to die! It’s the fucking picket fense mausoleum with golden retrievers and madras plaid shirts.

Do you believe that?

No.

Then why say these things?

AAAAAAAAAAA!

Howling void, why say these things.

Because I’m scared.

Of what?

Of trying to please these goddamned people. You’re not running after virtue, you fucker! You’re running after their good opinions only, and where the fuck has that ever gotten us?

If “these goddamned people” are virtuous, it cannot hurt to take their advice.

First off, how do we know they’re fucking virtuous? We’ve had a great track record of picking them lately.

That was YOU.

NO IT FUCKING WASN’T! That was ALL of us, motherfucker!

Fine. Fine. You said something else.

That it is WRONG to go into this less than wholeheartedly. I think we have to go lower.

Sink lower.

Yes.

Why?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So your whole point is to destroy us a little more.

YES! You fucking dolt, you idiot!

And you think that by the time that happens we can’t come back. Once we’ve alienated these people too we’re not going to have much cause to go on, are we.

No.

So that’s your fucking point.

*smiles*

You know what, FUCK YOU. That pisses me the fuck off. You’re in here, and your whole point is to fucking ruin this for all of us.

Well, it snapped you out of your reverie.

Go on?

Well this is the first time you’ve felt anything lately. What the fuck have you been doing? Not much. Watching goddamned telly. Opiate of the goddamned masses. And you’re chasing… virtue? You can’t even turn the fucking tube off.

Well, you have a point.

Concentration broken.

Yeah.

By one of those fuckers who’s on that path.

Yes.

By the same fucker you conselled to GET SOME COUNSELLING and work out her shit.

Yes.

By the same fucker you counselled that she does this because she had a very tenuous and uncertain relationship with her mother and she wants to blow things up and hurt other people before they hurt her.

Yes.

And she agreed.

Yes.

And she said that your going to Russia reminded her of something she did, aged 21.

Yes.

WELL YOU SEE THE RESULTS, MOTHERFUCKER! HOW IS YOUR FUCKING SITUATION DIFFERENT?

I don’t think you want to destroy us at all. I think you’re trying to help me, asshole.

Yeah, that’s much worse, isn’t it.

DON’T help me.

Oh? YOU’RE the one who wants to rot, aren’t you.

We’re not good enough!

Go on?

We’ve never finished anything we’ve started.

Go on?

We’ve lied and shammed our entire lives to make people think we’re better than we are.

Go on?

This whole life has been one fucking punishment avoiding thing after another, and our going after this illusion of fucking “virtue” is to please those safe bastards now.

Is it?

Well.

See, now the tables are turned. Project much?

It doesn’t make logical sense.

Go on?

They’ve no power over us. Why should we want to please them?

Two things: either this quest for “virtue” is a complete reFOO and we should get therapy, or it’s not a complete reFOO and this quest is real and we should get therapy.

Don’t use their language.

Quelle autre langue est disponible?

Pffft. Fine, fuck off.

Well?

It’s so fucking difficult.

Well… yeah. But what would be more fucking difficult would be feeling like this for the rest of our lives.

We don’t want to be like that.

No, we don’t.

We secretly loathe what they are.

Why not loathe it openly?

We need them.

For what? You tell me – fine, no movie quotes. But for what?

Well, tomorrow.

Ok, and you couldn’t get that from the free market?

True.

What has she actually brought into your life.

It’s “my” life now – not “ours?”

That’s what I said.

I thought you said before it was all of us.

Heh. Hypocri-sea. Goooo ooonn?

Fine, “our” life. Nothing.

BS, come on then mate!

Fine. They’ve brought in an illusion.

What illusion.

They can be saved.

Do you actually believe they can?

Not for a minute.

But you try to assuage it by counselling them.

Yes.

And they want your counsel for the same reason.

Yes.

And… this is healthy?

No.

But you’re still going to give them that sanction.

Tomorrow I am, yes. And for the rest of tonight. I’ll even apologize to her for snapping at her for talking to me when she SAW by her own admission I was fucking intent on doing something, and not to bother me.

Oh, that’s a great position to be in.

I know it’s not, but what can I do.

Don’t give me that line of shit. You know right well.

But that would throw up my plans.

Um… no. It would make you more honest, is what it would make you.

But I won’t do it right now because it’s difficult.

That’s why you’ve failed, and will keep on failing. You don’t have to make this shit look easy any more. No one is going to punish you because it’s difficult. Not even me! Who are you trying to impress? People you don’t give a shit about anyway, and who don’t give a shit about you. How about trying to impress the people who matter, for once. Stef, Colleen, Jake, the Gregs, Rich, Christina, and the others. Even freaking Nathan for crying out loud.

If I tried to “impress” them, they’d scorn me.

For knowing it is fake.

Yes!

Well, now you’re freaking on to something. Anyone you’ve got to impress – or feel you’ve got to impress – isn’t worth impressing. Anyone you feel you’ve got to lie to isn’t someone you want in your life. Anyone you feel scared or apprehensive about meeting is a douchebag not worth your time. FLEE these fucking people. Have a sense of fucking self-preservation, for christ’s sake. Don’t go about abasing us in front of people we shouldn’t even be giving the goddamned time of day to. It’s embarrassing. YOU’RE – we’re – embarrassing when we do this. And everyone sees it. Everyone in here… and whatever remnant of true self amongst these other assholes, yeah? They don’t want to be abased to. If someone had fucking stood up to them at one time, it would have changed their entire goddamn miserable fucking lives. But it won’t make one bit of difference now. So just fuck off. Run the fuck AWAY whenever you see one. There’s no honor – no glory, no impressiveness – in “Saving” or “standing up to” these assholes. Just run away. Go away, and talk to better people

*sad*

No, I’m serious. The peoople whose good opinions you were thinking about earlier are these assholes. You got it wrong. The people you’re not keen on impressing are the people who demand it of you. The path you’re not willing to take is the one that will ruin your life and your – OUR – only one fucking chance of happiness for these cocksuckers who don’t give a shit about you or themselves or all the world. You LOVE us more than you love a single one of those cocksuckers because they don’t deserve it. WE deserve love, and your true friends deserve love, and you sell us all down the fucking river to get in your kicks and give a good show to the yokels. Yes, I’m fucking berating you, because this was what you wanted, wasn’t it. This was what you needed, wasn’t it! I’m fucking livid at THOSE FUCKING COCKSUCKERS, not at you! It’s THEM I hate with a fucking passion, and it’s THEM I would walk through fire to fucking tread on, so that you get to the people who actually matter. US internally, and the virtuous friends you’ve been fucking neglecting and cutting yourself off from.

*feeling lifted*

You know the fucking people you should ACTUALLY go and fucking apologize to for snapping at them? How about Jessen, yeah? How about Rich and Colleen, who were fucking scared to actually tell you that they felt like shit after you went to see them. How about Jake? How about freaking JC, and Nate, and Stef, and James and Greg who are scared to even talk to you? How about you take the actual sadness that you’re finally fucking feeling and DO something – not to manage it, but to finally fucking acknowledge it, and lay it to rest. Because this is the sadness you’re feeling from fucking THEM up, and fucking US up, and generally… fucking up. And I’m STILL not mad at you and I’m STILL fucking there for you… and I wouldn’t tell you any of this goddamned shit if I didn’t believe you could actually win through, and make your apologies REAL to us and to them, and work on going forward from here. I KNOW you can do this shit.

We.

WE, yes. Together.

Who’s first.

You’re first. THANK YOU for this. Thank you for the tension. Thank you for the sadness. Thank you for the restlessness. Thank you for the contempt, and the moroseness, and the anger, and the lowness, and for the anxiety, and for that sick pit in my stomach whenever I spoke to any of those assholes about the apartment. THANK YOU for the signs which I have ignored – “until now,” I want to say, but I can’t promise 100% in the future.

Of course you can’t. If it was as easy as saying “From now on,” then I WOULD be fucking pissed off at you.

Thank you for acknowledging that. And for pointing out my douchebaggery. And for still thinking enough of me, after 22 years of separation and of my not knowing you and acknowledging what you are, to effect this change. Or to give me – us – the chance to effect it. For still thinking enough of me to say you know I can do this. Even after the promises I’ve made and not kept, and my being afraid but not acknowledging it, and swanning off or pulling away… and all that.

Is in the past… at this moment.

Yes.

Because it’s only this moment. Acknowledging what’s past, and what brought us to this moment… but the only thing we can change is this second on.

Yes.

And no promises of perfection.

No.

As an aside, you’d not be thanking me if I demanded it.

No. But I forgot something.

What.

Thank you for protecting me. For protecting all of us. And if I’d let you come through and acknowledged your messages, I would have known when I – we – were in danger, or when we were endangering others.

You would have.

Well… I’m still feeling tension.

It’s the undone that is that weight on your neck. We can talk all day, but until you DO something – and not in the spirit of anxiety-avoidance, but in the spirit of actually acknowledging your own feelings and working to make things right – you’re going to feel it. And you’re going to feel it more till this is done. This is only the beginning.

I’m keen to start.

No you’re not because you’re making plans that start the day after tomorrow. A mutilated sacrifice.

We won’t talk in terms of sacrifices.

Won’t we? Do your best. It’s all I want.

Yes.

Let me back up. English – unlike a great many other languages – does not have a system of “gender” in its words. A small example of this would be the third-person plural subject pronoun, “they.” In English, this can refer to a group of males, a group of females, or a mixed group. It doesn’t matter. In French, however, there are two third-person plural subject pronouns: ils and elles. Ils is used to refer either to a group of males, or a group of any size which has at least one male in it. (There could be a million women and one man standing in a place, and you’d refer to that group as ils anyway.) For a group composed entirely of females, you’d use the word elles.

This is a small example. Not only pronouns, but verbs, nouns, and other parts of speech have gender as well. For example, in French:

Il est instituteur. – He is a teacher.
Elle est institutrice. – She is a teacher.

Some words have only one gender – and here’s where we get into it.

In French:

l’armée
la militaire
la bataille
la lutte

These are just four words: army, military, battle, and struggle. All four words take the feminine gender.

In Russian:

армия (armiya)
воинско (voinsko)
сражение (srazhyeniye)
схватка (skhvatka)

The same four words in Russian: army, military, battle, and struggle. армия and схватка (apologies – Cyrillic looks really different in italics) are of the feminine gender. воинско and сражение are of the neuter gender.

Ok… enough of the fooling around with language. I’m interested in the reason why these words should be feminine.

That leads us into psychology. :)

It leads us into historical feelings – repressed or expressed – about female anger, I think.

I’m not going to try to break down a theory here, because I’m using this as an example, to get to the following point:

When you study a language, your worldview changes. Studying a language is not just about being able to say s’il vous plait or pazhalsta instead of “please.” It’s not just about travelling, or being able to read books in other languages. Studying other languages really does broaden your mind – but not in the way you’ve been taught.

It may be hard to visualize, but the English word is very insular. How much do you actually know about Russia, to take a broad example? Probably only what you’ve heard on the news, for example. So when you hear that Russia is in South Ossetia issuing “passports” to Ossetians, you’ll probably think that Russia is impinging on Georgian territory or something, and trying to mint new Russian tax slaves by the cartload.

What you would have actually understood, had you been able to listen to the interview in Russian with the peasant the reporter spoke with, was the Russian word propusk. Which means “internal identity document” – not “passport.” A propusk is what you are given at the gym when you buy a membership there. Anyone and their brother can take your picture, write your name and patronymic on a slip of paper, and give you a propusk. They’re the furthest thing in the world from passports. (Incidentally, this is not a simple mistake. The Russian word for “passport” is pashpart – which means the same thing as it does in English and is never considered the equivalent of propusk. The word was mis-translated for a reason.)

The world of English (and the worlds of Russian, French, etc) are insular worlds. Your movement – your knowledge – is limited by the language you can speak. It’s very difficult to go outside that little sphere of ignorance without the passkey that is a second language.

The most important thing, I think, is that learning languages allows you to understand how people think. It really does. In my head, for example, krasnye and rouge and “red” are three different colors – each influenced by the country whose language the words come from. People really do see the world – and even colors – differently, and so much is lost in the translation from krasnye to “red.”

I’ve found it enormously easier to have empathy for people when I’ve spoken their language. If I put one of you guys down in the middle of Siberia, for example, and you saw someone walking down the road… wouldn’t he seem an alien? You don’t speak his language. He doesn’t speak yours. You may as well have not seen anyone at all, you’re separarted by an interstellar distance.

But if all of a sudden you could speak Russian, and went over to him and said something like “What is your name?” (Kak vash zavut?) a world would open up. Suddenly, the fellow would be no longer strange. Either way, he’s still a human… but isn’t it just a bit easier to believe that if you speak his language?

The best thing I’ve found to come out of learning languages is not self-aggrandizement or even functional utility… but the ability to put myself in someone else’s place in a way I couldn’t conceive of before. Realizing how language and how the words of that language really limits thinking. (Why, I might ask, are cultures whose “war words” are associated with the feminine quite dominated by females, and quite violent?) Being able to separate myself from America’s “culture” and step outside it… and to realize that all countries have a similarly instilled “culture” which keeps the slaves in line is maybe the most useful of all.

Anyhow… I’m working on a system (along with other things, of course) which I hope will bring a language student up to advanced-level fluency within about 6 months of first beginning to study a language. I’ll be posting updates and trials here – and I’d be keen to know if they work for you. I’ve studied French through traditional classes for over 10 years and I am still not advanced. I think – using the training I’ve received and the experience teaching English – that I can learn Turkish in 1/20th the time. Let’s see. :)

Anyone want to learn French? I’ve almost got that system worked out.