Filed under: FDR, deFOO, self-work, vie quotidienne | Tags: deFOO, FDR, FOO, life story, philosophizing, put money in thy purse, self-work, vie quotidienne
Auntie K sent me a card today. Ugh, and I was feeling so good after my talk with Stef this morning.
I opened the card. It was – as I’d expected – a birthday card. Only 5 weeks late. But she’d been busy, she said. Also, if you want to come to your cousin’s wedding, we’ll buy you a plane ticket.
There’s NO way in hell I’m going to my cousin’s wedding. I won’t talk to my mother or aunts via phone, email, or postal mail, so why in HELL would I take time out of my life to go and see them in person.
No, no. The problem is the money. Just as it was with Rebecca, the problem is the money. For, you see, Karen sent me a check for an astronomical sum. Ok, only $500. But still, good god… this money would sooooo help me out this month. (I’ll have $25 in the bank after paying rent.)
The immediate thought that came to my mind was “They’ve bought you again.”
For if I take the money, I’ll be telling them all that my price is $500. I tore up Rebecca’s card and her check for $200. But $500, I’ll be saying, is my price. I’ll pretend I’m still in the family for $500 a pop.
Ugh, what a wrench. I could give the money to Stef. Pay for my ticket to Toronto, and have money left over. Almost pay for my ticket to London. Pay 3/4 of next month’s rent. I could use it for a nice interview suit. Or for books. Pay it towards my student loans.
But NO. I told myself in the store the other day that WE DO NOT STEAL. I’ve been trying to tell myself every time I write a note to a professor that WE DO NOT LIE. But yet this would be both stealing and lying. They’re trying to buy me, yes. They expect via this $500 to confirm my position as still being enmeshed in the family. They expect me to lie for this money. Lie and say that I have the smallest shred of regard for them.
So she forgets my birthday, and then a month and a week later sends me a check with… what isn’t even an apology! So it’s saying “I do not have even enough regard for you to send the money out within a reasonable time after your birthday. I’ve never cared for you. I had the ability when you were 12 to get you away from your mother. I was going to adopt you until you quarreled with my husband over the chemical properties of NutraSweet. But sell your soul to me for the paltry sum of $500!”
The word “sorry” appears nowhere on the card.
Ugh. I shouldn’t be ambivalent. There’s nothing to be ambivalent about. This is purely and entirely a note of hatred, and if I cash the check I am saying I deserve their slight regard. They have no regard for me for they think I am as corrupt as they. They are sure of my acquiescence to their evil!
I just tore the check into small pieces without looking at it. Just threw away $500. Just put the card and note and the small pieces of the check into the trash bin.
Stef said that this is not about other people changing. It’s my wanting to change other people and yet denying my own ability to change. I can’t change, I say. I’m helpless, I say. Not aloud, but in my actions. I am NOT helpless!
We do not steal. We do not lie. We do not associate with corrupt people. We can – if we wish to make money – go out and work for it!
What did Stef say yesterday in the call-in show? If an angel came up to you before you were born and offered you the option of either taking $10,000 for years of abuse, or taking no abuse and no money… where’s the choice there? Number one is not an option! You can work for money without having to endure the abuse.
For it wouldn’t just confirm that I was back in the family if I took that money. It would tell you guys – and most importantly, it would tell ME – how little I regard myself. I will let people abuse me as long as they give me $500 for my trouble? NO!
Ugh, I will not do it.
I’m feeling tense. Less tense than I was when I started writing, but tense. I need to figure out why the pull was so strong. Why I almost rushed straight off to the bank and cried aloud my good fortune. Why I thought of sending her a thank-you note. A fawning one. There are a good many things I need to figure out.
Filed under: deFOO, self-work | Tags: Complaints Department, FOO, put money in thy purse, self-work, vie quotidienne
So, I got an email from B today. I thought I’d blocked all her email addresses, but, hélas, there is one I didn’t know she had. I reproduce the email below:
Hi —,
Happy Birthday (Sunday). Per your request, I’m not going to bug you, just want to wish you a happy birthday and let you know I sent you a birthday card/check-hope you received it.
Have a good one. Hope you are well
Love
B
Gosh dangit! When I first read the email, I was quite annoyed indeed. Annoyed that I had to receive the email, annoyed that she had another address I didn’t block, and… annoyed that I now have to make a decision. The check will probably be for about $200. I could use the money, but as we’ve established before, my family believes that I can be bought – and I am indeed bought and paid for if I take the money and repay her with my time or a pseudo-relationship.
Now, there’s a part of myself telling myself that I can cash the check and still not talk to her or otherwise acknowledge her. But I do not think that part is right. Because if I cash the check, B will take that as a symbol of my still being connected to the family. She will take it as a symbol of my still being willing to treat with her, and more importantly to be bribed by her, as she has bribed me from age 11 onwards.
Now, I think, my only choice is whether to throw the entire card in the garbage without having read it (it surely will contain a note from mother also), to send the unopened card back marked “return to sender,” or to open the envelope, read the notes it contains, take a good look at the check, and throw it out.
The part of myself that is telling myself that I might just as well cash the check is suggesting as an alternative the middle course – to send the envelope back. “Make a statement,” it cries! But no, I think that is false as well. For if I send the envelope back, I am still making an effort to demonstrate to them my strong dislike.
So the choices are to read or not to read. There is nothing in the letter for me of pleasure or joy. Nothing except abatement of curiosity – for I am curious – and… oh, why not say it: a chance to manage some “negative” emotions!
And now that little voice is telling me that Stef always opens letters from his brother. But who cares what Stef does? This is my letter – when it comes.
So, has anyone any suggestions? I cannot see anything positive in opening the letter, but I am curious – mostly – as to how much the bribe is this time, even though I now know I shall not take it. I do not wish to know anything about them, really. I say this truly, though… it’s odd because in the past there was a sort of morbid curiosity. Not any more, really. (For example, I deleted – unlistened – the vm that mother left me the night that N came to visit.)
Why, I must ask, does the money still have such a hold? Even though I shan’t cash the check, I still want to know how much it is. I suppose I still… associate money with love. Is it that I want to know “how much they want me back” ? For the measure of the bribe is not a measure of their love. It’s a measure of their desperation to hide their evil. And truly, I don’t want to look at that. For I already know. That’s why I no longer see them. I already know how desperate they are to hide their evil. So looking at the check can do me no good.
Why? The answer I’m being passed is that I still don’t… believe. I know intellectually but do not yet believe what they’ve done. What they are. I want to open the letter, this voice says, to prove once again to myself that they are bad people. That they do not love or respect or care about me. As if I needed proof. As if my life to this point has not been proof.
So, in the garbage with the letter, where the damn thing belongs. I shan’t open it. Shan’t read it. Definitely shan’t take the bribe – even if I’d use the $ either to pay for school stuff or to give to Stef, which would probably be what I’d do.
Now I’m keen to go over to Lerner, see if the letter is there, and throw it out. I feel… not indignant… not… hm. It’s just a feeling of “This is right. Your decision is right. Get to the doing of it.”
I shall have to examine that feeling later. But I have work errands to do on campus, to include a stop at Lerner.
If anyone has comments/suggestions, I’d love to hear them.
Filed under: FDR, school, vie quotidienne, work | Tags: france, life story, philosophizing, put money in thy purse, school, vie quotidienne, work
It’s interesting this morning… and last night… that I’m experiencing these flood torrents of thought. I’ve read about 4 pages into The Truth Will Set You Free and I came to a realization. Now… this has been coming on for a while. This realization.
I’m actually going to present this in reverse order. The school/job thing came on first, and then the thing I’ll recount now… but I think that this makes more sense this way. Here goes:
If I say that I want something, but cannot actually imagine myself doing it or see a picture in my mind’s eye of me actually accomplishing the thing… then do I actually want it? If I say that I want to have sex with a theoretical someone (no, folks, not anyone in particular) but can’t even picture what that would look or feel like or any circumstances under which it could be possible… then do I want it? If, to put it more concretely, I want to be an academic – but cannot picture what that would look or feel like or any circumstances under which that could be possible… then do I want that?
If, to put it even more concretely, I say that I want to finish my degree at Columbia, then trundle overseas to do a MA, then trundle back to America to do a PhD – but I cannot actually imagine any of those things happening, nor what the hell I’d actually do with them after I got them… and I cannot ever imagine myself lecturing anyone on medieval history… then… what the hell am I doing that for? What the hell am I running my ass off and shoving down my distaste and “paying my dues” to accomplish? Something that I “want” but cannot see ever happening?
Stef had a point the other day when he said that academia is propped up by guns. I’ve been feeling a growing unease with that notion… but that’s not really what this is about. Not totally.
Fact is, I’ve never wanted to go to school. The first time I tried college, I was 18. I was profoundly bored. The only class I really gave a damn about was American Government (a required class) which had a droll lecturer who knew his stuff and told interesting stories about the “founding fathers.” I got an A+ in that class – since it’s the only final I actually went and took. The others… heh. I went to an SCA event the weekend before the Monday I was supposed to take the finals. It was in Oklahoma. I got up very, very early Monday morning to drive home. As I was passing by my apartment (up near Greenspoint Mall, for those of you who know Houston) on the way down 45to UofH, I made a decision to go home and sleep. A conscious decision. I told myself “I can make it to school in time to take these final exams. I shall probably do well enough if I go and take them. But I am sleepy, and wish to take a nap. Which is more important – school, or the pleasure of sleep – in this moment?”
I went home and took a nap. Thought when I woke up that I should feel horrible that I’d cheated myself out of so much money (of course I failed the classes where I did not take the finals, but still had to pay tuition) and time… but I didn’t. I’d made the right decision.
Of course, that Christmas vacation was the one where S burst into my room and dragged me naked out of bed threatening to kill me, then threw the kitchen table through the window and shoved his weeping wife and locked himself in his study for about 16 hours… and so I fled to Dallas. But I signed myself up for distance learning courses through UofH. I did the schoolwork for about… oh, all of 2 weeks. And then I stopped. I beat myself up occasionally for not doing it, but the only thing I could feel towards school was a profound boredom – which might indeed, as I read on another blog this morning, be rage spread thin.
I feel that boredom now. Classes do not excite me. I cannot feel any profound pull towards doing well in school. It spreads like a track through a grey wasteland that I have not the desire to traverse. But yet in other areas of my life, I am joyous. In my friends, in my growing self-awareness, in the intellectual pursuits I undertake of my own accord, I feel joy. The depression is not general. It is concentrated, specifically, in the area of school.
So, what to do? This time I shan’t run. I won’t be precipitate, as I should leave the door open to future endeavors in the area of academia. I cannot shut that door yet, for I do not know yet what I mean to do.
I’m going to take a decision right now, and then live with it. I shan’t do any work to bring it to fruition until I’ve lived with it for a while and am convinced of its rightness. That is, if I continue feeling the lifted spirits and enthusiasm I feel now whilst living with this decision… then I will put it into effect. Here are the decisions I am taking:
1. I shall take a 1 year academic leave from school. (This I can do without penalty.)
2. I shall obviously therefore NOT be going to Paris in the fall.
3. If accepted, I shall refuse my place in the State Department language program.
4. I shall refuse my place in the Columbia-sponsored research tour in Costa Rica.
5. I shall finish out the semester at Columbia with respectable grades, but not push myself beyond what is reasonable or comfortable.
6. I shall work on my computer certifications and get a full-time job starting immediately after the semester ends. (I know my shit, but certs tend to equal more $ in this market.)
7. I shall continue to work on my personal and psychological development.
I can see myself doing all of these things, and doing them with a glad heart. But before I file academic leave paperwork or deny my acceptance in those programs, I’ll live with the decision. My birthday is on Sunday, and I shall see what I feel then.
Hm, interesting. My neck started hurting when I said I’d wait to finalize these decisions. Yet it did not hurt when I thought of doing these things immediately. Curious.
Alright. I’ve already skipped my first class of the day. I should leave by 1:30 in order to make it to my next class (French) on time. Maybe I’ll rewrite my composition, and maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll go read Alice Miller. Before I do either of those things, I’ll have a shower. Whatever I do, though, will be right. :)
Filed under: first principles project, school, vie quotidienne, work | Tags: dancing, FDR, first principles project, france, movies, music, orson welles, philosophizing, put money in thy purse, school, snoozers, study abroad, work, youtube
I just wanted to proclaim my undying love for Orson Welles. The 10 minutes that he’s actually on screen in The Third Man make the entire movie worth watching. Joseph Cotten isn’t half bad either.
Sending in a registration form tomorrow for classes at the Irish Arts center. I know I’m going to take classes in ceili and set dancing, but I’m not sure yet whether the third class will be an intro to solo Irish dance or a fiddle class. I think probably the latter… but I don’t have the money for an instrument right now. Will just rent, then, and see if I like it (and if I’m any good!) before actually buying a violin. The class that I really want to take (on the tinwhistle) is at a time when I can’t get to the Center. Damn!!
Finally finished registration for Columbia. 2 French courses, elementary logic, earth science, art hum, and a class on the renaissance. Woo hoo. I don’t want to take the science course, but needs must. Alas, alackaday. It shouldn’t be too terribly bad, though. What I really need to do is start getting application materials together for Paris. I’ve simply got to get into that program and get out of America for a year. Will see how long I can stay abroad. The carte de sejour should last for about a year, so if I can get a decent summer job in Paris I may well stay until the visa runs out. That’s the plan at least. If not, I can go to England or Germany or… god knows where else. Maybe apply for an overseas internship through Columbia, or to that State Department language program.
Someone I know vaguely from FDR emailed me about an interesting blog project that’s been cooked up. The idea is for a group of us to write blog entries on various aspects of certain philosophical first principles, and then combine those writings into a sort of wiki. I’m not sure exactly what the audience is for the wiki, but I’d like to use this blog to explore some aspects of first principles, so this project comes at a good time. We’ll see where it leads.
Have been working a lot at the music dept. Have over $400 racked up for next Friday’s paycheck. Can’t come at a better time. I promised myself that I would not let my savings account get below a certain level. Well, it is about $65 above that level right now, so if I don’t make enough money every month to cover rent and bills, I don’t eat. Or… don’t do something else. Don’t get to spend any money, let’s say. I hope that Ye Olde SFP gives me more work-study money.
Tired tonight. More maybe tomorrow.
And the famous cuckoo clock speech from The Third Man. Forgive the Spanish subtitles.
And a gratuitous Irish reel set from the Transatlantic Sessions:
Filed under: vie quotidienne, work | Tags: food, put money in thy purse, roommates, work
So, the phone support last night (which I am getting paid for) didn’t work, as the Treo refused to sync – which is why they got rid of it in the first place – and thus I’d have had to walk him through extracting the missing memos from his backup drive and running the Treo -> Blackberry translation. Oh hell no. So I went over there today and racked up another $50 for my time, which is good. These were new issues anyway, so it’s not like I’m bilking them out of any money. Also returned stuff to Gap to the tune of about $120. Yay. Am hoping to make this the 2nd day in a row that I don’t spend any money at all. That would be nice. I almost got a chai latte at $tarbucks, but the line was too long. Then I almost stopped at Whole Foods to replenish my tea and agave nectar stocks, but the C train came and I decided I didn’t want to wait to get home. Then I almost walked all the way to the post office with the intention of picking up something at the grocery store to supplement my dinner, but it was very cold indeed, so I popped the letter in the mailbox on the corner instead. It’s amazing how many opportunities there are to spend money. Maybe I should move to a hermitage in the Andes in order to save money. Or not.
There’s supposed to be a nor’easter blowing through later on, bringing 5 to 8 inches of snow. I checked the radar and the clouds are indeed on their way. They’re in northern Maryland, southern Pennsylvania, and southern New Jersey right now. Yay. I mean, I like snow… but I don’t need 8 inches of the stuff. Good thing I don’t have to be at the music department until whenever I want to be tomorrow. I was thinking of leaving at about 10:30 and then going to cash a check before reporting there at noon, but we’ll see what’s happening with the subways.
The person who was supposed to come look at the room today didn’t show up. That’s alright, though, since the two people who came last night were very nice. We have a first, second, and third choice lined up, and then 3 more possibles waiting in the wings. That should be alright.
Am trying to decide whether to have coconut curry chicken or chili flank steak for dinner tonight. I think I need to give the avocado one more day to ripen, so will probably choose the chicken.
The sun is setting now in beautiful shades of rosy pink, dusky purple, and light blue. I wish I could take a picture, but I don’t think it would turn out right. Alas, alackaday.
Filed under: vie quotidienne, work | Tags: Ayn Rand, department of exquisite irony, FDR, food, friends, objectivism, philosophizing, put money in thy purse, roommates, work, youtube
This song is in my head for some reason. Go ahead. Click on it. You know you want to.
Had a lovely brunch with three gentlemen from FDR. We went to a nearby restaurant – a sort of French pan-African place called Kush, which is close by. Very yummy indeed! I’m glad that they didn’t mind coming to my neighborhood, since the only other good brunch place that I know of is in Alphabet City. That’s a little too far to travel on a Saturday morning. I hope to meet them all again soon. We had a great chat about a range of topics: philosophy, FOOs, politics, the economy, history, and a little personal stuff as well. I wish I had more friends like that – that I could meet regularly for coffee with people of such erudition and good humor. So… in a way this brunch is what I’ve been working towards since I was 11: finding a philosophical home and people to share that home with. I want more! Bring me more!
Fran and I are still searching for a roommate to replace Wade. We interviewed 4 people last week, and were supposed to interview another 4 today. So far 2 haven’t shown, but two more are coming at 5 and 6. One of the girls we met last week sounds like a very good prospect indeed.Fran is hoping for someone who will pay rent and keep the place clean. I’m hoping for someone who will pay rent, keep the place clean, and doesn’t have any particularly odious political or religious convictions. You never know.
Have to call the same client I went to yesterday at 5:30. Fortunately, Christian was able to access the client’s email account and set up a mail forward for them remotely. Now I just have to talk him through syncing his Treo to his Outlook (since he’s never done it before, we have to reconfigure the Treo to not sync to Palm Desktop, as it has been) and then his Outlook to his Blackberry. Ugh. He seems to be a bit more reasonable than his wife, but I’m not particularly keen on doing this via telephone. But Chris says he’s paying me for my time, and that’s a Good Thing.
Speaking of the Prime Directive (i.e. “Put money in thy purse”), I think today will be a day when I don’t spend any money at all. Karl and Jake were kind enough to buy brunch and coffee (or in my case, tea) for AJ and me, so I didn’t spend money on that. Groceries were delivered last night, so that usual Saturday expenditure moved to Friday. So the only money that I laid out today is 1/31 of the monthly rent and utilities, which I can’t really count. And I’ll be returning some clothes to the store tonight or tomorrow (I was in desperate need of pants, so I bought some online, and am returning one pair I didn’t like and then some other things which are not quite satisfactory) so there’s a little bonus there. So I’ll make about $50 today for that phone call and return about $100 in clothes. Not bad. How I’m going to achieve the Prime Directive tomorrow, I’ve no idea. Maybe I’ll look for nickels on the sidewalk again. That’s the PD: make more than you spend, every day.
And from the Department of Exquisite Irony, here is Ayn Rand’s 1961 address to the Republican candidates for somethingorother. I agree with the person who posted the video: substitute “Islamists” for “Communists” and this message is still relevant today. But Rand failed (and the ARI is still failing) because she didn’t see that one cannot achieve freedom by political means. This address was a wasted effort – as was so much of her later work. But here she is anyway:
