The silence was palpable as we sat down – K and L on the black velvet sofa with burnt-velvet cushions, and I on a squeaky and uncomfortable overstuffed red leather loveseat. The unliveable “living room” was bright with red marble, red glass, and red leather. The early morning sunshine gleamed off a 60″ flat-panel TV and the white Elton John-esque piano on the sitting room.
K began speaking, and L translating for me. “Why have you come to Russia?”
I couldn’t tell her about Lymond.
I mentioned my interest in Russian history, the language, and the literature. My love of travel. The desire to learn Russian while teaching English. L had told me not to be nervous, and I wasn’t – though I wasn’t sure whether to look at K or L while speaking. K smiled with her silicone-injected lips, tossed her bottle-blonde hair, and smoothed the black sweater over her medically-enhanced breasts and up onto her beautiful shoulders. I – conscious of what seemed my vast bulk in comparison to the reed-thin K – smoothed my black sweater likewise.
K would always have been pretty – even without the “enhancements” which actually detract from her beautiful oval face, high cheekbones, and flawless skin. Her hair – if left to grow it’s natural light golden brown – would better match her large, liquid hazel eyes. A beautiful woman. And a very vain one.
K’s husband Y came in, in the typical suit shining with much starch and ironing – and lurex threads woven into the fabric. His stocking feet made no noise on the marble tile. He sat down in the armchair opposite me without greeting or even touching his wife, and put his mug of milk – new cream, actually, given the layer of fat on top – on the table. L repeated the story thus far to him in Russian. We laughed for some unknown reason, K first, then L, then me. Not a genuine laugh in the room. Y didn’t see the fun in it.
Questions were asked about my schooling (yes, I’m on sabbatical – what’s it to you?) and my experience with children and how long I plan to stay in Russia. Long enough to save up $50,000. But I couldn’t tell them that. I have 3 years sabbatical, I said. They asked if I would not want to go back to the States after a year. No.
Will you live on the top floor of our house, or would you like us to rent you a flat? Our driver will pick you up from the Metro on Friday for a trial day, and you can meet our little girl. Her Russian nurse will be there as well to show you the routine: don’t expect the child to warm up to you immediately. She takes a long time to trust people.
Of course she does. Your vanity has destroyed her by age 3. But I won’t think it. I don’t want to think it of so young a child. It’s not her fault or problem. Maybe she doesn’t have a problem? This doesn’t go against my principles, does it?
I smiled. K mirrored my smile, half-veiled her face with her hair, and gave me a sidelong look. She turned to L. We stood. I was given into the hands of the driver to take me home, and arranged to come back on Friday. No, no, I’m completely free. No classes to teach.
I shall meet the child on Friday, and see if I am able to work there – to stand it for a year. $50,000 tax free, I could save. 3 years of travelling. 2/3 of the Everest guide fees. The fees for Kilimanjaro, Aconcagua, and Vinson Massif combined. If invested, a good chunk of my retirement savings.
And yet I am thinking only about the money, and not about the child. Interestingly enough, the parents feel the exact same thing.
We’ll see if it’s in line with my principles to work in such a family. Nothing is worth a reFOO.
Today I woke up on time, cleaned half my room as I said I would, went out for a 40-minute run (and consequent 3-mile walk back through Regent’s Park) and… it’s so beautiful.
The light is gorgeous this morning. There’s just that small touch of fall in the air, where the breeze is crisp, but the sun is warm. The trees have begun to change, and the green-gold and red of the leaves sparkles against the blue sky. The clouds are lovely and fluffy, and look almost as though they were made from meringue.
As I was walking back through the park I came upon a playground. There were children there, but none of them was using the swingset. I got a bit of a temptation to go on the swings, but the thought passed that maybe it would look silly for a woman grown to swing on them.
I did it anyway.
I haven’t been on a swingset in about 11 years. I’d forgotten the sensation of the wind in my hair and the cool metal of the chain between my fingers. Directly in front of me was the most beautiful clear patch of sky with just one cloud in it. The cloud looked like a little fluffy white dog playing in the grass. I think I laughed aloud.
The time has passed so easily and simply this morning. Today, I think, will be a good and useful one – where I am effective and free to work as I wish – as only I can.
Now off to bathe and take a walk down Gower Street.
Filed under: job search, vie quotidienne | Tags: job search, vie quotidienne
So I got an offer for Moscow. It’s a pretty good gig. 9 month contract, 25 days paid leave, a decent monthly salary… but the only problem is, the contract doesn’t start till October 13th. So… I’d be arriving in Moscow in about a month. That’s sub-optimal, because I pretty much need to start making money right away, and hanging out another month in London – while not the end of the world – is not something I really want to do. Obviously the visa is going to take 2 weeks to get, and of course the HIV test and all… meh.
You know, I haven’t been unemployed for this long since I was 16. It’s profoundly disconcerting. What do unemployed people do with themselves? I mean, this obviously means that I can travel a little bit – a few days jaunt to Paris or Amsterdam would not go amiss – but… meh. I’m on a 6-month visa here, so it’s not like I have to leave any time soon. I could stay here till New Year and still be legal. I’d starve, but be legal.
Interview for a job in the Czech Republic tomorrow. Will see what kind of terms they offer, and then decide between the two. (So far all the interviews – ok, 2 interviews – that I’ve been on have resulted in offers.)
Yes, I am far too busy. But it is a pleasant sort of busy.
Taught my first 40-minute lesson yesterday. I quite enjoyed it! I teach again tomorrow.
Learning loads. Beginning to send out query letters for jobs. So far, mostly in Russia. I might be spending this long, cold winter in Moscow! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexcellent. :D
Flatmate and her two children are very nice indeed. Beautiful views of London. No pictures as I’ve broken my camera. Alas!
So I’m selling a lot of my things in an attempt both to get rid of them and to bring in a little money. Expenditures, as you might guess, are rather high for me right now. If anyone wants Latin textbooks, I have two for sale, with accompanying workbooks.
Before I either list my books (the ones I know will sell) on eBay or take them all to Strand out of frustration and get like $5 for 20 books, I wanted to make my friends an offer. Yes, my dears, I will give you my books. For free! Just pay the shipping cost to get them to wherever you are. Or if I’ll see you soon, you can tell me which ones you want and I’ll bring them to you.
There is one book I want to send to J specifically, and 4 more that I want to give to Karl to hold for me (scholarly books which are very expensive and/or hard to find) but here are the rest:
Nathaniel Branden:
The Psychology of Self Esteem
The Art of Living Consciously
Blink – Malcolm Gladwell
Alice Miller:
The Body Never Lies
Drama of the Gifted Child
The Truth Will Set You Free
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog – Bruce Perry
Your Money or Your Life – Dominguez and Robin (Rich? You want?)
Various historical books:
The Campaigns of Alexander – Arrian
Consolation of Philosophy – Boethius
Collected Works, v.1 – Libanius
Alexander to Actium – Peter Green
Fiction:
Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
Atlas Shrugged – Rand
Julian (AWESOME book) – Gore Vidal
Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
To Lie With Lions – Dorothy Dunnett
the entire House of Niccolo series (earth-shatteringly AWESOME books) – Dunnett
And various reference books that few people ever read (Bloom’s works on Shakespeare, The Bell Curve, a few French workbooks, a book on buying country property) but are interesting anyway.
Feel free to comment or email me.
So… this weekend wasn’t bad! At least, my fears vis a vis depression, etc did not come true. Now, am still waiting to see what feelings will kick in when I hear people talking excitedly about what happened – and will work through those when/if/as they come. I had a problem with my sugar intake on Friday and yesterday (a sure sign of latent FOOgoo activity) but this was generally taken care of with a discussion with myself as I laid in bed last night. Today, have been assez productive – cleaned my room (still need to finish) and worked out for 2 hours (the gym – as I don’t have air conditioning yet and it’s 90 freaking degrees out – is the closest air conditioned place I can go) and will make lunches for the week this evening, once it’s cool enough outside to where I can cook in the kitchen without making the apartment like an oven. (It’s 4 now, and the heat won’t subside until after about 6.)
I’m feeling pretty good and pretty productive, though a bit wobbly from the gym. My hands have stopped shaking, though, which is good. Need to go eat something fairly protein-laden now. Met a nice young fellow at the gym, and we swapped round on the bicep and tricep machines for about 10 minutes. Note to self: lifting far more than you normally do out of vanity, and to compete with a man who is obviously much stronger than you is silly. I cured myself of that fairly quickly, though. I’m not going to bloody well injure myself just for a competition that only exists within my head. THAT I should investigate more! Actually… that plays into a lot of other issues. I think I have a topic for session on Tuesday now. :)
Still haven’t finished The God Delusion, but will do that at the laundromat tomorrow. Applied for free tickets for Shakespeare In The Park (they’re doing Hamlet! yay!!!) both days but have not been chosen. Will keep trying. May line up outside the theatre at 8am Wednesday morning to see if I can get in. Just need to find someone to take with me.
Am expecting my friends to show up online at various times tonight and tomorrow. Will be glad to see you back, my dears. :)
Listing some of my old books on eBay. Clothes to follow later. Not sure any of you would really be interested in any of my books. :D Am listing 10 so far, but am trying to convince myself to sell even more. I have my eye on a full set of the Aubrey-Maturin series by Patrick O’Brian, which is 20 books long! So if I can get rid of 20, I’ll have space on my shelf for 20 more.
Here’s an apropos lolcat:
Madness cometh sometime of passions of the soul, as of business and of great thoughts, of sorrow and of too great study, and of dread.
Thank you, Bartholomew.
I’ve not really the strength or the inclination to write much for public consumption.
I’ve been sick lately. Sick in mind, and sick in body.
The body first. I’ve been in the throes of various upper respiratory problems since… oh, Christmas. With little interruption. Medicine has had a dwindling effect on this. Lately, I’ve developed the trait of being dizzy. Almost all the time. And, of course, the usual joint ailment has kept up its course of unremitting pain for the past two weeks. I can’t sit down on the subway, now. Because it requires my feet to be tucked under me, which… well, you don’t need to know the details. Thank you, mother. Anything I take for that has the effect of completely knocking me out. I’d rather be in pain than non-functional.
It’s almost four years ago now that I went through a similar perfect storm of ailments. Being dizzy, weak, and tired all the time. Snapping at people and doing rash and stupid things to put my mind on something besides being in pain. And then… I went to sleep in mid-May, and woke up in June. Always mid-May into June, with this. The doctors – despite running tests which all came back with odd and contradictory results – never quite figured out what made me sleep for two weeks straight, and left me weak for months after.
I do not think it is any particular disease. The joint pain – we all know what that is. The other… is just exhaustion. My mind telling me that it will happily kill off the faculties of my body one by one until I take rest, I think. For, mind you, four years ago I was just coming out of a period of excruciating trials which had required every neuron in my possession. Doesn’t matter what, now.
I don’t want this to happen. And I don’t quite know how to stop it. Except by… stopping. Something I’ve not quite ever learned how to do. Some people stop via drugs. Some via alcohol. Some via doing dangerous things. Some… cannot do any of that. How do I stop?
This is where the mind sickness comes in. This perfect storm of symptoms didn’t originate in my body. I’ve gone… off the rails. Depending on what one things the precipitating event was, it was either on May 5th or 6th. N’importe quoi, n’importe qui. I’m under various… pressures now. Mostly self-inflicted. Some things I have to stop, or realize. First of these being the realization I can stop. Of my own accord. No traps, now. Except the ones I lay for myself.
Hesdin. I wanted an Alhambra of the soul, and I got… Hesdin instead. A booby-trapped mansion. No gardens. What is it with gardens in the Koran, by the way?
Well, now I’m distracted. I’m going to go see how Lymond gets himself out of Constantinople.
Not easy to write about the mental bit, is it.
The Good:
Payday in the Music Department
I got hired for the job I interviewed for last week
So far I’ve managed to eat only a reasonable amount of food today, despite various stressors
Therapy appt very soon
Am going to sit down and do budgeting tonight
Am really enjoying (ok, am head over heels in love with) the book I’m reading
The Bad:
The job I was hired for is – to start – only 1 day a week
Despite trying to be careful, I’m still spending a lot of $
I’m not looking forward to talking about the thing I need to talk about in therapy today
I’ve been eating very badly allllll week
So… a mixed sort of day. There are a lot of things going on which… well, my therapist needs to hear about them, not y’all. :) I think I’m going to take a break for… a little while. Maybe only till the weekend. Finish Lymond, and… clear my head a bit. Work on some things, yanno. I might be around only intermittently therefore.
